This may seem like a very odd post compared to the ones I've posted in the past month about my travels. However due to recent events with certain species I felt it necessary to comment.
I have a weird relationship with nature and sometimes it literally poops on me. I am a very outdoorsy person as long as I don't come into contact with a spider.... then awkward panicked flail action that we all know so well comes into play and I am filled with horror while every onlooker thinks I'm insane. Mais c'est la vie.
Here's a recap of my weird animal shenanigans as I like to call them.
Cows
When I was around 7 years old my parents and I were visiting the UK. We happened to be in a field near cows. I can't remember why so please recover quickly if the suspense was killing you. I was cold so I was wearing my dad's fleece jacket that he loves so much. I've never met a man more dedicated to fleece in my life. But that's another story. I survived a 10 minute lecture on why I should not get to close to the cows and to above all not let it lick his jacket. What happened next? I gigantic cow came up to me and licked my literally from my knees up to my face. My Dad watched in absolute horror and disbelief and I think his eyes nearly bulged out of his head as my natural instincts took over and I went to wipe the disgusting cow spit off of my face with his precious fleece. Oops. I've never borrowed his jacket again... The point of this story is that I knew how to react to that. Total disgust. Like this:
Here's a picture of me right before it slobbered all over me to my Dad's horror.
Less than a year ago I took a trip to Hadrian's Wall and a few of us went on a walk at night. We literally could not see our hands in front of our faces it was so dark. We were walking past a field thinking they were empty and were just enjoying having an adventure when.... A cow decides it would be funny to moo a deep guttural horror movie like moo right as we walked by at a sound level of epic proportions. Never have I ever been so terrified of a cow...
Sheep
Sheep and I just don't get along for some reason. Mishaps have been occurring since I was 7 and have not stopped since. They also have seemed to amplify every time I've been in the UK. Maybe I'm not around livestock in the US but oh well. At the age of 7 I visited my Aunt Kathy in Kippen, Scotland. There was a field full of sheep right next to her house and me being the weird curious child that I was decided I wanted to pet one. Bad choice. I started petting it and immediately became confused as to my my jeans were being tugged down and towards the fence. I looked down and a sheep is, I kid you not, staring me right in the eye and attempting to eat my own jeans off of me. I've never liked sheep since. But once again instinct kicked in and I knew what to do. I ran the heck out of there before I was eaten alive and probably made a face something like this:
As some of you may have read in the Archaeology of Sheep blog I had another adventure with sheep. I was on an archaeological dig in a field that was infested with sheep and lambs. At one point I looked up only to find 10 sheep about 20ft away just staring at me. Apparently they had been like that for a while. I also had a lamb follow me around for a good 2 hours for no apparent reason.
Birds
Whether they be pigeons or sea gulls or another spiteful bird of flight everyone has been pooped on by a bird. It's just the most disgusting poop of all. I won't go into detail. However, it's worse than stepping in it because they always seem to poop on you when you're going places instead of heading home or when you feel like you look great today only to find out they pooped on your hair or clothes. Most people react in an exasperated and REALLY? WHY? Of all the places in the world that you could've pooped it had to be on me. (^%###$%&^%&) Or some version of that.
Exotic Animals
Not only have I had encounters with regular livestock you find in your fridge, but I have also had run ins with animals most people don't encounter in suburbia.. that is unless you're me. There is an exotic animal farm right down the road from where I live and a friend of mine happens to live next door. He invited me over to help him petsit 2 baby monkeys. I thought this was just going to be hours full of cute energetic monkeys climbing on me and all around fun. Guess again Emma. Guess again. I was holding this adorable diapered monkey on my chest and I was under the impression it was sleeping. Nope. It was laying in wait. For what, you may ask? To punch me in the nose and shove its fist up my nostril. I was certainly not prepared for that....or having a monkey dangle from my nostril. I assume it looked something like this:
That same day we walked outside to see the camel... I should've known that my day was just going to get weirder. I guess it was hungry but I turned to look at the llama for one second and the next thing I know I had been bitten on the boob by the camel... All I know is that I was deeply offended with a hint of "did that really just happen?"
Alright that isn't a poop enounter, but I felt it was weird enough to include. Now we've all stepped in dog, cat, or horse poop at some point in our lives. It's like a right of passage as a human being. But I guarantee this next thing has not happened to 99.99% of you.
The weirdest thing you will ever be pooped on:
A bee. Yes you read that correctly. I was walking back to my flat the other day and a bee landed on me. After raking up a nest in the 5th grade and getting stung by 10 yellow jackets I have never been a fan... it's more like I've been terrified. I still run out of the room yelling for my dad to kill a wasp whenever I see one in my house. Sad I know, but I'm scarred for life. Back to my story. This bee landed on my hand and I inwardly panicked, but stayed calm on the outside so I wouldn't get stung. About 5 seconds later it flies off and I see the characteristic brownish pile of poo on my hand the size of a small dot. I just stood there staring at my hand. I had no previous protocol to follow if a bee decides you are the perfect toilet. Did I get angry? No I can't run after the bee and punch it in the face for being so rude. Scared? No that's just silly. Everyone poops. Confused? YES. Amused? Slightly. Bewildered? Yeah that sounds about right. Mostly I just walked back with a blank stare on my face trying to figure out if I was the only person in the world these things happen to.
UPDATE:
Literally 2 days after I posted this I visited a friend in Ipswich and we decided to go to the zoo in Colchester. We were really excited that we got the chance to feed some elephants. I went up to the gate they were standing behind and presented my small piece of lettuce. The next thing I know I have elephant spit dotted across my sunglasses and my right cheek. I guess mother nature liked this post and decided to add another weird occurrence to this list. I can now not so proudly say I have been spat on by an elephant.
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