I've Been Pooped On By Too Many Species

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the other passengers in his car."--Will Rogers


This may seem like a very odd post compared to the ones I've posted in the past month about my travels. However due to recent events with certain species I felt it necessary to comment.

I have a weird relationship with nature and sometimes it literally poops on me. I am a very outdoorsy person as long as I don't come into contact with a spider.... then awkward panicked flail action that we all know so well comes into play and I am filled with horror while every onlooker thinks I'm insane. Mais c'est la vie.

Here's a recap of my weird animal shenanigans as I like to call them.

Cows

When I was around 7 years old my parents and I were visiting the UK. We happened to be in a field near cows. I can't remember why so please recover quickly if the suspense was killing you. I was cold so I was wearing my dad's fleece jacket that he loves so much. I've never met a man more dedicated to fleece in my life. But that's another story. I survived a 10 minute lecture on why I should not get to close to the cows and to above all not let it lick his jacket. What happened next? I gigantic cow came up to me and licked my literally from my knees up to my face. My Dad watched in absolute horror and disbelief and I think his eyes nearly bulged out of his head as my natural instincts took over and I went to wipe the disgusting cow spit off of my face with his precious fleece. Oops. I've never borrowed his jacket again... The point of this story is that I knew how to react to that. Total disgust. Like this:

Here's a picture of me right before it slobbered all over me to my Dad's horror. 

Less than a year ago I took a trip to Hadrian's Wall and a few of us went on a walk at night. We literally could not see our hands in front of our faces it was so dark. We were walking past a field thinking they were empty and were just enjoying having an adventure when.... A cow decides it would be funny to moo a deep guttural horror movie like moo right as we walked by at a sound level of epic proportions. Never have I ever been so terrified of a cow... 

Sheep

Sheep and I just don't get along for some reason. Mishaps have been occurring since I was 7 and have not stopped since. They also have seemed to amplify every time I've been in the UK. Maybe I'm not around livestock in the US but oh well. At the age of 7 I visited my Aunt Kathy in Kippen, Scotland. There was a field full of sheep right next to her house and me being the weird curious child that I was decided I wanted to pet one. Bad choice. I started petting it and immediately became confused as to my my jeans were being tugged down and towards the fence. I looked down and a sheep is, I kid you not, staring me right in the eye and attempting to eat my own jeans off of me. I've never liked sheep since. But once again instinct kicked in and I knew what to do. I ran the heck out of there before I was eaten alive and probably made a face something like this:

As some of you may have read in the Archaeology of Sheep blog I had another adventure with sheep. I was on an archaeological dig in a field that was infested with sheep and lambs. At one point I looked up only to find 10 sheep about 20ft away just staring at me. Apparently they had been like that for a while. I also had a lamb follow me around for a good 2 hours for no apparent reason. 

Birds

Whether they be pigeons or sea gulls or another spiteful bird of flight everyone has been pooped on by a bird. It's just the most disgusting poop of all. I won't go into detail. However, it's worse than stepping in it because they always seem to poop on you when you're going places instead of heading home or when you feel like you look great today only to find out they pooped on your hair or clothes. Most people react in an exasperated and REALLY? WHY? Of all the places in the world that you could've pooped it had to be on me. (^%###$%&^%&) Or some version of that.

Exotic Animals

Not only have I had encounters with regular livestock you find in your fridge, but I have also had run ins with animals most people don't encounter in suburbia.. that is unless you're me. There is an exotic animal farm right down the road from where I live and a friend of mine happens to live next door. He invited me over to help him petsit 2 baby monkeys. I thought this was just going to be hours full of cute energetic monkeys climbing on me and all around fun. Guess again Emma. Guess again. I was holding this adorable diapered monkey on my chest and I was under the impression it was sleeping. Nope. It was laying in wait. For what, you may ask?  To punch me in the nose and shove its fist up my nostril. I was certainly not prepared for that....or having a monkey dangle from my nostril. I assume it looked something like this:

That same day we walked outside to see the camel... I should've known that my day was just going to get weirder. I guess it was hungry but I turned to look at the llama for one second and the next thing I know I had been bitten on the boob by the camel... All I know is that I was deeply offended with a hint of "did that really just happen?"

Alright that isn't a poop enounter, but I felt it was weird enough to include. Now we've all stepped in dog, cat, or horse poop at some point in our lives. It's like a right of passage as a human being. But I guarantee this next thing has not happened to 99.99% of you.

The weirdest thing you will ever be pooped on:

A bee. Yes you read that correctly. I was walking back to my flat the other day and a bee landed on me. After raking up a nest in the 5th grade and getting stung by 10 yellow jackets I have never been a fan... it's more like I've been terrified. I still run out of the room yelling for my dad to kill a wasp whenever I see one in my house. Sad I know, but I'm scarred for life. Back to my story. This bee landed on my hand and I inwardly panicked, but stayed calm on the outside so I wouldn't get stung. About 5 seconds later it flies off and I see the characteristic brownish pile of poo on my hand the size of a small dot. I just stood there staring at my hand. I had no previous protocol to follow if a bee decides you are the perfect toilet. Did I get angry? No I can't run after the bee and punch it in the face for being so rude. Scared? No that's just silly. Everyone poops. Confused? YES. Amused? Slightly. Bewildered? Yeah that sounds about right. Mostly I just walked back with a blank stare on my face trying to figure out if I was the only person in the world these things happen to. 

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."--Unknown


UPDATE:

Literally 2 days after I posted this I visited a friend in Ipswich and we decided to go to the zoo in Colchester. We were really excited that we got the chance to feed some elephants. I went up to the gate they were standing behind and presented my small piece of lettuce. The next thing I know I have elephant spit dotted across my sunglasses and my right cheek. I guess mother nature liked this post and decided to add another weird occurrence to this list. I can now not so proudly say I have been spat on by an elephant.

Road Trip Part 2-- Hills, Horses, and Terror

“What you’ve done becomes the judge of what you’re going to do – especially in other people’s minds. When you’re traveling, you are what you are right there and then. People don’t have your past to hold against you. No yesterdays on the road.”--William Least Heat

Learning to drive a manual is a traumatic, terrifying, and stressful event. For the driver that is multiplied by 30489903486... approximately. Not sure how the rest of the world felt, but Sarah and I were strangely apprehensive we I got behind the wheel. I was used to traffic patterns by now so that wasn't too terrifying. Reversing I can do perfectly. So if I had driven the entire time backwards we would've been golden besides a really stiff next from looking behind me. Too bad I'm 99.99% sure that's illegal. After Sarah and I dined and explored the castle I got behind the wheel for my first lesson. The castle was located in the middle of nowhere and there was a road nearby that didn't have a lot of traffic.

For those of you who have never driven manual before you're about to get a glimpse into a whole new world of driving. Getting into first gear... or I should attempting to get into first gear awakened some sort of weird laughing terrorized animal inside of me. As I tried to shift into first gear after backing up flawlessly I had a slightly inflated ego. Sarah told me to give the car more gas than it needed and ease off the clutch. Normal people probably would've done something.. well... normal. Me being me took this as floor it and then jerk of the clutch and realize this was dumb halfway through and then pump the clutch in a panic. It resulted in 1. a jerking motion of the car similar to what I think getting rammed from behind by a rhino would feel like. and 2. giving Sarah whiplash I the car jerked backwards and forwards and her seatbelt locked with each jerk. As it did this, every jerk forward resulted in her saying "nope. nope. nope. nope. nope"

It looked something like this... but picture it in a car not my room.

It's an attractive video I know... but I think I deserve credit for pretending I was driving and almost knocking myself out on my own knees just for this reenactment.

I managed to get it into first and roll down the road at a whopping 5mph. Watch out Scotland I'm coming for you... if I can ever get it into second gear.

I stalled out quite a few times and Sarah about died laughing at me panic and yell at the car and then laugh at myself. I got pretty confident and decided to roll my bad self and awesome skills into the street because I was ready for a quest. I rolled to a stop and managed to stall out. SHOCK. Then I accidentally gave the car too much gas, peeled out of the gravel entranceway spewing gravel everywhere and screeched into the street with minimal jerking. Sarah's reaction was nervous laughing and something resembling this face:

Poor girl...

Once I got out of 2nd I was golden. UNTIL... DUN DUN DUNNNNNNNNN... we reached the hill of doom. Steep slopes are terrifying. I know it may seem like I'm throwing that word out there like a pro baseball player on steroids, but yeesh... I tried will all my might to get up that hill as the stoplight turned green. Little did I know the hill had it out for me and wanted to humiliate me. As I was swiftly going backwards down the hill trying to get it into first a van filled with guys pulls up behind expecting us to have the ability to oh you know DRIVE.... They quickly realized I was in distress.. well I'm sure the hazard lights Sarah always subtlely turned on when I got stuck gave them a clue... I just couldn't get up the hill. We had to get out of the car and do a walk of shame around the car so Sarah could drive. Needless to say that was the end of my lesson for the day.

The next day we booked a horseback riding trip in the Trossachs. I actually drove there and didn't kill anyone or thing... except a small curb but it deserved it anyway for getting in my way. The gps saved our lives many a time but I think it wanted to test us that day and see what we were made of. It told us to turn down a dirt road, so we obliged. We ended up 2 miles down a sheep pasture looking at a severe no trespassing sign... We decided to turn around. Quickly. I managed to avoid the sheep that had gradually begun to come towards our car in a creepy manner. Yes sheep can walk creepily. Just go to Scotland and walk into a field. You'll understand.

After getting passed by approximately 20945786 cars since we were driving at a speed that rivaled a blind grandmother snail we arrived at the horseback riding farm only to find the other cars that had passed us had also decided to go for a ride.

We got geared up and situated on our horses. I had a rather chilled out horse named Mitch and Sarah had a squat fiesty horse with a butt that rivals Beyonce's named Elby. The trip started out well as most seem to do. It got slightly more adventurous as we went along. Sarah is pretty much an expert rider and I've only ever been on a horse once before this. We were led in a line throughout the fields and countryside and even into the woods. My horse was the SLOWEST horse of all time. The PONY.... not horse, but a pony that was behind me literally had its head stuck up my horse's butt and would let out an exasperated sigh every few minutes. Mitch was unaffected and refused to go slower than death no matter now many times I kicked him in the side as you're supposed to do to make them go faster. The girls leading us described him as leisurely. Sarah lucked out and got the me equivalent of a horse that wanted to run ahead of everyone and jump around and play in a speedy fashion. I got the porker who likes to stand in the stable all day. I made do. I eventually got him to go faster, but as revenge he would jerk to a stop and uproot bushes that had poisonous flowers... Smart horse... So there I was trying to make my horse stop eating, stay in the saddle, make my horse move forward by twisting its head away from the bushes (which is HARD. Horses mean bussiness and are not weak) while kicking him to go faster while getting yelled at for not keeping the massive fatty from eating the entire time. He would try and veer towards bushes and it took everything I could do to keep him with the group.

We stopped to take pictures with Lake Menteith in the background. It's the only lake in Scotland instead of a loch. It was named as an insult after the man who betrayed William Wallace.

You may be wondering why my horse is leaning to the side like a drunken sailor... I have no idea. You may also be wondering about his emo hairstyle, but the real wonder ladies and gentlemen is his HUGE moustache that is hard to see from this picture. Let's just say my horse seems to be an emo version of Wyatt Earp. Google him. You won't be disappointed.






The rest of the ride was absolutely amazing apart from me attempting to wrestle a horse 5 times my size away from food and a very precarious ledge that my horse liked to trip on, which terrified me.

After we dismounted and got back in the car we made the drive to Glen Coe! We had planned to do a walk around Loch Lochan and in the mountains there. The drive was amazing and extremely eventful. We stopped at a rest stop to get some lunch and snacks and discovered that someone had the weirdest pet ever. We walked in to find a GOOSE on a leash lapping up water from a bowl like a dog. I couldn't make that up if I tried. I swear Sarah and I need our own tv show because stuff like that is the norm when we hang out.

On the way I was driving for the first time doing a long distance haul... A curb from hell came out of nowhere, meanwhile Sarah was munching on a new bag of cheeseballs. I may or may not have hit the curb really hard causing the entire car to bounce which then caused Sarah to yell and throw the entire bag of cheeseballs in the air making it rain delicious balls of cheese all over the car. We were still finding them even on the last day of our trip.

We FINALLY saw a shaggy cow. We had been looking for them and as I was driving I looked over and yelled... YAKS! Not sure why I yelled that as they were clearly cows. Oops. We found the parking lot after driving through mountains for 30 minutes which was the best view I've ever had in my life. We took the Loch Lochan trail and went up a mountain trail and back down and around the Loch.

After walking around for a few hours we decided to make the drive back to the small town and find where the filming of Hagrid's hut was in the Prisoner of Azkaban. We again had the best view of all time, but it was slightly terrifying driving down the road peacefully to have a tour bus come out of nowhere and drive past like it was in the grand prix. Those drivers have nerves of steel.

We kept stopping to see views like these:

The last place we stopped had a large pile of rocks in a dome shape. Apparently it's a burial place of Kings. Personally I would feel shafted if I was a king and someone said "hmmm I know exactly where we're going to bury you! Under a large pile of rocks. But wait there's more! It's going to be a dome shape and will eventually be on the side of a highway. Enjoy the afterlife!"

No. Just no. Anyone who tries to bury me there will get haunted by me. You've been warned.


At this dome shaped tomb thing was a bridge near a creek. On top of this bridge was a very awkward guy who was making his mom take pictures of him "modeling" for facebook... Yes he actually said that to us. I was slightly embarrassed to be around this guy, who was probably about 20, and felt bad for his mom. It got even more awkward when he took off his shirt and told her to make sure she got a good muscle shot. Poor guy. Doomed for life.

We made sure we hiked to a very high up place to we could pretend we couldn't hear him trying to talk to us about his facebook modeling pictures and then enjoyed the scenery and laughed at him modeling more on the pile of rocks.

Later that day we were heading back to Edinburgh and were starving. We aren't the happiest people in the world when that happens... After attempting to go to Tesco in 3 diferent places to find out it was shut we finally found an ASDA. I have never been happier to go into a walmart owned building. On our way out of the parking lot we came to a stoplight. Luckily there was only one car around and they were behind us. Sarah had a lapse in judgment and forgot we had to drive on the left hand side of the road. We were halfway down the lane and I was yelling that it was the wrong side of the road. What does she do? She slams on the brakes, looks around and then looks at me with terrified eyes and then peels out and speeds down the lane to the roundabout where we almost cut the other car off and then we both freak out a little after we realized we were still alive... The guy in the car behind us had a perfect view of the entire shenanigans and even slowed down to watch us more. He pulled up beside of and his friend did this:

And mouthed "WHAT ARE YOU DOING?" He probably thought we were really stupid British girls. Whoops.

Next friday there will be the last post about this trip! Come back and read it :)


“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.”--Mark Jenkins

Road Trip Part 1--Ping Pong, Stalling, and Castles

“The World is a book, and those who do not travel read only a page.” – Saint Augustine



One of my best friends, Sarah, had decided to visit me from the States. We courageously planned to teach ourselves how to drive a manual and rented a car to take us on an epic journey up the East Coast of England to Scotland and back down the West Coast. My parents and friends tried to talk me out of it.  Knowing me, it was a losing battle. Sarah and I have a knack for having hilarious and completely random adventures together and this one was by no means an exception, but the icing on the cake.

Sarah flew from the States and landed at 7am and drove from London to Leicester for the first time driving on the left hand side of the road... Did I mention it was in LONDON?? This girls has some cajones. If you don't know what that means...look it up but don't use google image unless you want a vulgar surprise ;-)

Back to the trip. Sarah and I spent the two days exploring Leicester. We went everywhere that anyone could possibly go in Leicester like the Newarke Museum, Cathedrals, Leicester Uni, New Walk Museum, parks, Guildhall, etc. We then discovered Leicester had assembled ping pong tables everywhere and we quickly took over a table for 2 hours. That may seem like a long time to bounce a small ball across a net with wooden paddles, but I'm guessing you have never played ultimate ping pong with no paddles. Sarah and I became bored with the normal version and decided to ditch the paddles and whack the ball as hard as we could without paddles and even if it went off the table we still  smacked it around. This led to the ball being lost several times and us playing in the bushes at one point. Everyone else got some entertainment too, so it was a win win situation.


Here's a demonstration of the shenanigans and the extent to what we had to do to retrieve the ball.

Sarah and I know how to have fun doing just about anything. One of the many things I love about her.

The next morning we had a lovely 5am wake up call and hit the road to Edinburgh. Poor Sarah had to drive the entire 6 hours because I hadn't learned how to drive manual yet. When we arrived at the parking lot after getting lost we decided to go to Edinburgh Castle first. On the way we saw a bagpipe parade that started the second we crossed the street in front of them. Thanks Edinburgh for welcoming us like that. No where else gave us a parade :-p

It was a hike and a half up the hill where they used to torture people. Great thoughts to get you encouraged enough to keep going... Once we got there it starting raining... SHOCK. We toured every single room you could possibly go into including the: dungeons, royal jewels, war memorial, canon area, and one of the halls. 

The pictures do it so much more justice than words. Next on our list was to just walk around outside and enjoy the view and we did just that. We could literally see ALL of Edinburgh from up there. How in the world people would decided it was a good idea to storm that castle is beyond me. I think they were a little wr

ong in the head. If you didn't have a stroke running up the steep incline and somehow managed to miss the arrows and flaming pots of poo being rained down on you then you had to get over the walls or through the gate. If I happened to be a male warrior attempting to besiege the castle in the past I would've just laughed at my commanding officer and patted him on the back and said good luck and then mutter "..idiot".

Next on our tourist to do list we went to the National Museum of Scotland. For those of you who read my previous blog about the trip to the Irish National Museum you will be pleased to know Scotland knows how to build a fantastic museum. There was only one flaw to this plan. Sarah decided we should start at the top of the museum and work our way down. Folks, never do this. They put the boring stuff on top and the ridiculously fun and interactive things on the bottom to rope people in. We discovered that sad fact 10 minutes before it was closing. We walked downstairs expecting to find more boring things only to find we could've spent our time looking at cloned sheep, mega sloths, rockets, and racing formula 1 cars. It was a sad and slightly embarrassing moment in the lives of Sarah and Emma as we realized our stupidity. Oops. BUT never fear we came back 2 days later, which you'll hear about later.

We did get to see these things on our journeys at the top of the building:

In case you're wondering the top left picture is a bear claw necklace. The bee picture is a creepy but fascinating perpetual motion clock. The bottom left picture is a really complicated locking trunk that I'm convinced was the inspiration of Mad Eye Moody's trunk. Last but not least is the bottom right picture of an Anglo-Saxon Brooch.
 YAY history! At this point Sarah and I were TIRED from walking over the entire castle and all over Edinburgh after getting no sleep and driving for what felt like decades. We decided to get one last picture and the Olympics statue and then make the 30 minute drive to our hotel. For those of you who think all hotels in Britain are typical... think again.

As we drove to our hotel up the driveway we had to compose ourselves before going inside. It was a flipping CASTLE. The reception area had an enormous fireplace with suits of armor flanking it with a gigantic moose looking skull mounted above it. If that doesn't scream castle then the stuff boar in the living room does. 

We were in love. We had dinner inside before heading to our rooms in another building. We met the owner and were given permission to explore the whole castle. He obviously didn't know what he had just set loose in his beloved castle. We sang songs in the music room as I accompanied myself on the piano in a very unprofessional sounding way since I'm awful at playing piano. Then we pretended to be philosophical in the library and climbed the ladders to look for more books, but we were really just taking pictures. We also walked around with ridiculously stereotypical British butler accents. It just felt so right, but seeing as we were dressed in jeans and sweatshirts it probably looked like a bunch of nutters were meandering around the castle. 

Then we let ourselves into the garden and discovered.. SLUGS. Slugs were EVERYWHERE. We went for a walk and I'm pretty sure I accidentally killed about 50 just by walking. They are surprisingly camouflaged. 

In case there are slug lovers reading this blog, I really did try to avoid them but it just wouldn't work. I like to think I helped the human race by protecting them from slug invasion, which was obviously being plotted.

Look out for next week's blog for part 2 of the trip!

“We must go beyond textbooks, go out into the bypaths and untrodden depths of the wilderness and travel and explore and tell the world the glories of our journey.” – John Hope Franklin