Batten Down The Hatches

"Maybe your weird is my normal? Who's to say?"-Nicki Minaj

As many of my followers know, I have had my fair share of poop stories. Until last Wednesday, these were strictly animal stories. I will now share my first (and hopefully last) human poop horror/humor story.

One of my day jobs I currently have involves teaching Zumba at several gyms. My all time favorite class to teach is my Wednesday night class at a gym that will remain nameless. The members are rambunctious, hilarious, and ready to WORK. I've been told my classes are the hardest/best workout money can buy and I really pride myself in that. I always make sure to have low and high impact options so anyone from 8 years old to 80 years old can come away and feel like they really exercised, challenged themselves, but were safe in the way they went about it. Zumba is so great because it really feels like you are having a little party, acting like a fool, and best of all it doesn't feel like a workout that you have to convince yourself you can finish and hope you don't pass out.

Yes my classes are hard, but that's why we're at the gym. To make changes and get in shape! I had a special "Kick Butt Thanksgiving Zumba Extravaganza" complete with new songs, lots and lots of sweating in preparation for the 800 cookies, pies, turkeys, potatoes, etc that we would eat the next day. I even had handmade door prizes that I had crafted myself. You can check them out here if you want: www.etsy.com/shop.eclecticgreetings

Little did I know it would go horribly wrong and I wouldn't even know that it made a turn for the worst until Thanksgiving itself.

Thanksgiving morning went really well. My boyfriend, Will and I ran a 10k and finished in a little over an hour. There was a light drizzle, but it felt AMAZING since we were ridiculously warm from not running that far in a long time. We then went home and cooked cream cheese and bacon stuffed poblano peppers and a green bean casserole. Then we made the trek, with our pup Atlas of course, to NC where Will's mom lives to eat all of the delicious food she had made. We were beyond stuffed by the time we made it home. Everyone in the house: cats, dog, and boyfriend were asleep within minutes of sitting down. I curled up with the 5th Game of Thrones book and just relaxed.

We decided to go to Target around 9 so we would miss the massive crowds and still get to shop around for some great deals. Little did I know my entire day would be changed as I walked out of the game section towards the pet section.

I ran into Chris who takes my Wednesday night class and he is super energetic with a fun personality. He is the one who informed me about the "incident". After saying hi and making small talk he leans in and in a hushed voice asks me "Do you know that someone pooped in your Zumba class yesterday?"

First of all, this is not the normal conversation topic I was expecting. Secondly, my brain had trouble processing that information. Thirdly, WHAT THE F@$&?????  I was disgusted, confused, slightly amused, intrigued, disgusted again, horrified, and most of all the feeling of "no...that couldn't have happened."

But happen it did. I was 100% oblivious...not that I would have known what in the world to do if I happened to see someone poo on the floor accidentally. Let's give you some more detail. No not about the poo you weirdo, about the situation.

I had 20 people in class that night and the "perpetrator" was in the back of the class according to witnesses and hear sayers. I always teach at the front and am looking around the room constantly to check form. It never occurred to me to check the floor for rogue bowel movements. A mother and daughter duo are usually at the back almost every class and they had apparently witnessed it happen, but were too confused or horrified to do something about it, which is very reasonable. Many in the class wrote it off as "oh, there's dirt right there".

What horrifies and confuses me the most is the next few facts. 1. She pooped in the middle of a crowded room and knew it happened. 2. She didn't casually excuse herself to clean up the mess on the floor and undoubtedly elsewhere on her person. 3. A WHOLE OTHER CLASS happened in that same room right after and everyone thought it was dirt. 4. She never CLEANED IT UP.    I can forgive someone for pooping on the floor if they have bowel issues. That can't be helped, but preventative measures should be taken like an adult diaper, etc. Not to clean is up is rude, unsanitary, and a slipping hazard to name barely a few of the risks without mentioning how gross the whole situation is.

I'm not the sort of person who focuses on the negative, but I had no previous socially acceptable reaction in my arsenal in which to pull from to figure out how in the heck you respond to something like that.

In short, if you have to poop, go to the bathroom immediately. Poop waits for no mortal being and it means smelly business. If you do poop accidentally, nonchalantly play it off as it being dirt on the floor and blame it on a muddy dog you may or may not have and excuse yourself and get the proper cleaning tools. That's humiliation free and won't wound any pride, plus it prevents blog posts such as these from unsuspecting Zumba instructors who never see that situation coming.

All in all, I exercised the shit out of someone. Literally. I still have no idea how to feel about that. Holy crap. Pun intended.

"The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car, is having to poop right after you get out of the shower."--Unknown

I've Been Pooped On By Too Many Species

"When I die, I want to die like my grandfather who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the other passengers in his car."--Will Rogers


This may seem like a very odd post compared to the ones I've posted in the past month about my travels. However due to recent events with certain species I felt it necessary to comment.

I have a weird relationship with nature and sometimes it literally poops on me. I am a very outdoorsy person as long as I don't come into contact with a spider.... then awkward panicked flail action that we all know so well comes into play and I am filled with horror while every onlooker thinks I'm insane. Mais c'est la vie.

Here's a recap of my weird animal shenanigans as I like to call them.

Cows

When I was around 7 years old my parents and I were visiting the UK. We happened to be in a field near cows. I can't remember why so please recover quickly if the suspense was killing you. I was cold so I was wearing my dad's fleece jacket that he loves so much. I've never met a man more dedicated to fleece in my life. But that's another story. I survived a 10 minute lecture on why I should not get to close to the cows and to above all not let it lick his jacket. What happened next? I gigantic cow came up to me and licked my literally from my knees up to my face. My Dad watched in absolute horror and disbelief and I think his eyes nearly bulged out of his head as my natural instincts took over and I went to wipe the disgusting cow spit off of my face with his precious fleece. Oops. I've never borrowed his jacket again... The point of this story is that I knew how to react to that. Total disgust. Like this:

Here's a picture of me right before it slobbered all over me to my Dad's horror. 

Less than a year ago I took a trip to Hadrian's Wall and a few of us went on a walk at night. We literally could not see our hands in front of our faces it was so dark. We were walking past a field thinking they were empty and were just enjoying having an adventure when.... A cow decides it would be funny to moo a deep guttural horror movie like moo right as we walked by at a sound level of epic proportions. Never have I ever been so terrified of a cow... 

Sheep

Sheep and I just don't get along for some reason. Mishaps have been occurring since I was 7 and have not stopped since. They also have seemed to amplify every time I've been in the UK. Maybe I'm not around livestock in the US but oh well. At the age of 7 I visited my Aunt Kathy in Kippen, Scotland. There was a field full of sheep right next to her house and me being the weird curious child that I was decided I wanted to pet one. Bad choice. I started petting it and immediately became confused as to my my jeans were being tugged down and towards the fence. I looked down and a sheep is, I kid you not, staring me right in the eye and attempting to eat my own jeans off of me. I've never liked sheep since. But once again instinct kicked in and I knew what to do. I ran the heck out of there before I was eaten alive and probably made a face something like this:

As some of you may have read in the Archaeology of Sheep blog I had another adventure with sheep. I was on an archaeological dig in a field that was infested with sheep and lambs. At one point I looked up only to find 10 sheep about 20ft away just staring at me. Apparently they had been like that for a while. I also had a lamb follow me around for a good 2 hours for no apparent reason. 

Birds

Whether they be pigeons or sea gulls or another spiteful bird of flight everyone has been pooped on by a bird. It's just the most disgusting poop of all. I won't go into detail. However, it's worse than stepping in it because they always seem to poop on you when you're going places instead of heading home or when you feel like you look great today only to find out they pooped on your hair or clothes. Most people react in an exasperated and REALLY? WHY? Of all the places in the world that you could've pooped it had to be on me. (^%###$%&^%&) Or some version of that.

Exotic Animals

Not only have I had encounters with regular livestock you find in your fridge, but I have also had run ins with animals most people don't encounter in suburbia.. that is unless you're me. There is an exotic animal farm right down the road from where I live and a friend of mine happens to live next door. He invited me over to help him petsit 2 baby monkeys. I thought this was just going to be hours full of cute energetic monkeys climbing on me and all around fun. Guess again Emma. Guess again. I was holding this adorable diapered monkey on my chest and I was under the impression it was sleeping. Nope. It was laying in wait. For what, you may ask?  To punch me in the nose and shove its fist up my nostril. I was certainly not prepared for that....or having a monkey dangle from my nostril. I assume it looked something like this:

That same day we walked outside to see the camel... I should've known that my day was just going to get weirder. I guess it was hungry but I turned to look at the llama for one second and the next thing I know I had been bitten on the boob by the camel... All I know is that I was deeply offended with a hint of "did that really just happen?"

Alright that isn't a poop enounter, but I felt it was weird enough to include. Now we've all stepped in dog, cat, or horse poop at some point in our lives. It's like a right of passage as a human being. But I guarantee this next thing has not happened to 99.99% of you.

The weirdest thing you will ever be pooped on:

A bee. Yes you read that correctly. I was walking back to my flat the other day and a bee landed on me. After raking up a nest in the 5th grade and getting stung by 10 yellow jackets I have never been a fan... it's more like I've been terrified. I still run out of the room yelling for my dad to kill a wasp whenever I see one in my house. Sad I know, but I'm scarred for life. Back to my story. This bee landed on my hand and I inwardly panicked, but stayed calm on the outside so I wouldn't get stung. About 5 seconds later it flies off and I see the characteristic brownish pile of poo on my hand the size of a small dot. I just stood there staring at my hand. I had no previous protocol to follow if a bee decides you are the perfect toilet. Did I get angry? No I can't run after the bee and punch it in the face for being so rude. Scared? No that's just silly. Everyone poops. Confused? YES. Amused? Slightly. Bewildered? Yeah that sounds about right. Mostly I just walked back with a blank stare on my face trying to figure out if I was the only person in the world these things happen to. 

"The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room."--Unknown


UPDATE:

Literally 2 days after I posted this I visited a friend in Ipswich and we decided to go to the zoo in Colchester. We were really excited that we got the chance to feed some elephants. I went up to the gate they were standing behind and presented my small piece of lettuce. The next thing I know I have elephant spit dotted across my sunglasses and my right cheek. I guess mother nature liked this post and decided to add another weird occurrence to this list. I can now not so proudly say I have been spat on by an elephant.