There's a WHAT in our kitchen?

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time."--Barbara Kingsolver

Picture this. It's a beautiful day here in Virginia Beach. I've just come home from teaching a gym class this morning and am greeted by my freakishly adorable puppy, Atlas. My cat Natasha has also run up to me to greet me as I walk in. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, man I am having a fabulous day. How could it get any better?

This is the part where life silently chuckled to itself as it thought "let's spice up her morning. It's gotten a little too normal." After greeting my fluffy loves, and thinking about surprising my boyfriend at work with some homemade lunch I walk in to the kitchen to head through the back door to take my dog outside. We have a ritual where I walk in, he sits, and I pet him and rub his belly and give him his favorite...butt rubs. Then he puts his paws on my shoulders for a hug and gives me a quick kiss. After that elaborate, and you have to admit STINKING ADORABLE, greeting I usually take him outside to do his business and to play.

As I walk in to the kitchen I look at the door and wonder what black rope is on the floor and partially propped up against the door. I brush it off as some random piece of a bag one of the cats got in to and then got bored with. Until...

"Okay Atlas, let's go outside! Wait... did that rope just move? OH SH!T NO WAY"

Here's where things start to slow down and move incredibly fast all at once. It's weird how in times of crisis this happens, but for anyone who has ever had something ridiculous like this happen to them you know what I mean.

All of this happened all at once... As my handsome puppy moved towards the door to go outside and play, this what I now realized was a 5 foot long snake had just realized a 55lb fluffy monster was moving toward its new sunning spot in its new kitchen home. What did it do? it CLIMBED UP THE BACK DOOR. At this point my brain just sort of freaked out on the inside, but I went in to super puppy mom mode. My dog LOVES anything and everything. He naturally greets any dog or squirrel or bunny, etc that he meets. He even likes bugs. He has no idea what to do with anything other than people, dogs, and cats. He's caught so many squirrels and just sits there and smiles at them while they tremble thinking they're about to die a violent death. Then he lets them go and moves on to playing with a stick or a ball.

That being said, the second he saw that the super long black thing in the kitchen that the cat had been staring at was actually a living creature he thought "oh I'll greet it and welcome it in to our home. Give me a hug big rope thing!"  He trots over to it as it is showing it prowess in climbing walls, it sees Atlas and begins to freak out while trying to get back under the door where it came from and manages to violently knock its face on the door several times while my dog is trying to step on it. FINALLY it makes its way under the door and in to the laundry room...

What did I do during this? "ATLAS NO OH GOD NO. SNAKE IF YOU BITE MY DOG I'M GOING TO FILET YOU UP FOR DINNER. I KNOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M YELLING BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO UNDER THE DOOR. ATLAS COME HERE DAMN IT DOG."

Now after successfully scream scaring the cat from the kitchen and the snake under the door and confusing my dog I was a little proud of myself for getting it out of the main part of the house. The problem was it was still somewhere in my laundry room and the only easy way to get outside was thru that room. I called my boyfriend who was conveniently at work, because why would anything disastrous happen when he's here?   I'm sure he got a good laugh out of my texts of (and I quote)

"THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE. A SNAKE WILLIAM. COME HOME."
"Okay it's in the laundry room. I lost it."
"I don't think it's poisonous, but it can climb walls so that's insane."
"I'm going to open the back door and hope it goes out and no more come in."

In the end, I'm 90% sure it left my back porch/laundry room. We haven't seen a snake in there in a while so that's a good sign. Turns out it was a black racer, which are crazy fast, climb trees, but thankfully are not poisonous.

It's been a little hectic here lately and just wait until you here my mouse story next week! If you ever need a snake hilariously and loudly extracted from your house please don't call me. I don't mind snakes at all, but let's just say I've had my fill of snake wrangling. I'll leave that to the professionals.


"The dream is to keep surprising yourself. Never mind the audience."--Tom Hiddleston

Batten Down The Hatches

"Maybe your weird is my normal? Who's to say?"-Nicki Minaj

As many of my followers know, I have had my fair share of poop stories. Until last Wednesday, these were strictly animal stories. I will now share my first (and hopefully last) human poop horror/humor story.

One of my day jobs I currently have involves teaching Zumba at several gyms. My all time favorite class to teach is my Wednesday night class at a gym that will remain nameless. The members are rambunctious, hilarious, and ready to WORK. I've been told my classes are the hardest/best workout money can buy and I really pride myself in that. I always make sure to have low and high impact options so anyone from 8 years old to 80 years old can come away and feel like they really exercised, challenged themselves, but were safe in the way they went about it. Zumba is so great because it really feels like you are having a little party, acting like a fool, and best of all it doesn't feel like a workout that you have to convince yourself you can finish and hope you don't pass out.

Yes my classes are hard, but that's why we're at the gym. To make changes and get in shape! I had a special "Kick Butt Thanksgiving Zumba Extravaganza" complete with new songs, lots and lots of sweating in preparation for the 800 cookies, pies, turkeys, potatoes, etc that we would eat the next day. I even had handmade door prizes that I had crafted myself. You can check them out here if you want: www.etsy.com/shop.eclecticgreetings

Little did I know it would go horribly wrong and I wouldn't even know that it made a turn for the worst until Thanksgiving itself.

Thanksgiving morning went really well. My boyfriend, Will and I ran a 10k and finished in a little over an hour. There was a light drizzle, but it felt AMAZING since we were ridiculously warm from not running that far in a long time. We then went home and cooked cream cheese and bacon stuffed poblano peppers and a green bean casserole. Then we made the trek, with our pup Atlas of course, to NC where Will's mom lives to eat all of the delicious food she had made. We were beyond stuffed by the time we made it home. Everyone in the house: cats, dog, and boyfriend were asleep within minutes of sitting down. I curled up with the 5th Game of Thrones book and just relaxed.

We decided to go to Target around 9 so we would miss the massive crowds and still get to shop around for some great deals. Little did I know my entire day would be changed as I walked out of the game section towards the pet section.

I ran into Chris who takes my Wednesday night class and he is super energetic with a fun personality. He is the one who informed me about the "incident". After saying hi and making small talk he leans in and in a hushed voice asks me "Do you know that someone pooped in your Zumba class yesterday?"

First of all, this is not the normal conversation topic I was expecting. Secondly, my brain had trouble processing that information. Thirdly, WHAT THE F@$&?????  I was disgusted, confused, slightly amused, intrigued, disgusted again, horrified, and most of all the feeling of "no...that couldn't have happened."

But happen it did. I was 100% oblivious...not that I would have known what in the world to do if I happened to see someone poo on the floor accidentally. Let's give you some more detail. No not about the poo you weirdo, about the situation.

I had 20 people in class that night and the "perpetrator" was in the back of the class according to witnesses and hear sayers. I always teach at the front and am looking around the room constantly to check form. It never occurred to me to check the floor for rogue bowel movements. A mother and daughter duo are usually at the back almost every class and they had apparently witnessed it happen, but were too confused or horrified to do something about it, which is very reasonable. Many in the class wrote it off as "oh, there's dirt right there".

What horrifies and confuses me the most is the next few facts. 1. She pooped in the middle of a crowded room and knew it happened. 2. She didn't casually excuse herself to clean up the mess on the floor and undoubtedly elsewhere on her person. 3. A WHOLE OTHER CLASS happened in that same room right after and everyone thought it was dirt. 4. She never CLEANED IT UP.    I can forgive someone for pooping on the floor if they have bowel issues. That can't be helped, but preventative measures should be taken like an adult diaper, etc. Not to clean is up is rude, unsanitary, and a slipping hazard to name barely a few of the risks without mentioning how gross the whole situation is.

I'm not the sort of person who focuses on the negative, but I had no previous socially acceptable reaction in my arsenal in which to pull from to figure out how in the heck you respond to something like that.

In short, if you have to poop, go to the bathroom immediately. Poop waits for no mortal being and it means smelly business. If you do poop accidentally, nonchalantly play it off as it being dirt on the floor and blame it on a muddy dog you may or may not have and excuse yourself and get the proper cleaning tools. That's humiliation free and won't wound any pride, plus it prevents blog posts such as these from unsuspecting Zumba instructors who never see that situation coming.

All in all, I exercised the shit out of someone. Literally. I still have no idea how to feel about that. Holy crap. Pun intended.

"The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car, is having to poop right after you get out of the shower."--Unknown