There's a WHAT in our kitchen?

"It's surprising how much memory is built around things unnoticed at the time."--Barbara Kingsolver

Picture this. It's a beautiful day here in Virginia Beach. I've just come home from teaching a gym class this morning and am greeted by my freakishly adorable puppy, Atlas. My cat Natasha has also run up to me to greet me as I walk in. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, man I am having a fabulous day. How could it get any better?

This is the part where life silently chuckled to itself as it thought "let's spice up her morning. It's gotten a little too normal." After greeting my fluffy loves, and thinking about surprising my boyfriend at work with some homemade lunch I walk in to the kitchen to head through the back door to take my dog outside. We have a ritual where I walk in, he sits, and I pet him and rub his belly and give him his favorite...butt rubs. Then he puts his paws on my shoulders for a hug and gives me a quick kiss. After that elaborate, and you have to admit STINKING ADORABLE, greeting I usually take him outside to do his business and to play.

As I walk in to the kitchen I look at the door and wonder what black rope is on the floor and partially propped up against the door. I brush it off as some random piece of a bag one of the cats got in to and then got bored with. Until...

"Okay Atlas, let's go outside! Wait... did that rope just move? OH SH!T NO WAY"

Here's where things start to slow down and move incredibly fast all at once. It's weird how in times of crisis this happens, but for anyone who has ever had something ridiculous like this happen to them you know what I mean.

All of this happened all at once... As my handsome puppy moved towards the door to go outside and play, this what I now realized was a 5 foot long snake had just realized a 55lb fluffy monster was moving toward its new sunning spot in its new kitchen home. What did it do? it CLIMBED UP THE BACK DOOR. At this point my brain just sort of freaked out on the inside, but I went in to super puppy mom mode. My dog LOVES anything and everything. He naturally greets any dog or squirrel or bunny, etc that he meets. He even likes bugs. He has no idea what to do with anything other than people, dogs, and cats. He's caught so many squirrels and just sits there and smiles at them while they tremble thinking they're about to die a violent death. Then he lets them go and moves on to playing with a stick or a ball.

That being said, the second he saw that the super long black thing in the kitchen that the cat had been staring at was actually a living creature he thought "oh I'll greet it and welcome it in to our home. Give me a hug big rope thing!"  He trots over to it as it is showing it prowess in climbing walls, it sees Atlas and begins to freak out while trying to get back under the door where it came from and manages to violently knock its face on the door several times while my dog is trying to step on it. FINALLY it makes its way under the door and in to the laundry room...

What did I do during this? "ATLAS NO OH GOD NO. SNAKE IF YOU BITE MY DOG I'M GOING TO FILET YOU UP FOR DINNER. I KNOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M YELLING BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO UNDER THE DOOR. ATLAS COME HERE DAMN IT DOG."

Now after successfully scream scaring the cat from the kitchen and the snake under the door and confusing my dog I was a little proud of myself for getting it out of the main part of the house. The problem was it was still somewhere in my laundry room and the only easy way to get outside was thru that room. I called my boyfriend who was conveniently at work, because why would anything disastrous happen when he's here?   I'm sure he got a good laugh out of my texts of (and I quote)

"THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE. A SNAKE WILLIAM. COME HOME."
"Okay it's in the laundry room. I lost it."
"I don't think it's poisonous, but it can climb walls so that's insane."
"I'm going to open the back door and hope it goes out and no more come in."

In the end, I'm 90% sure it left my back porch/laundry room. We haven't seen a snake in there in a while so that's a good sign. Turns out it was a black racer, which are crazy fast, climb trees, but thankfully are not poisonous.

It's been a little hectic here lately and just wait until you here my mouse story next week! If you ever need a snake hilariously and loudly extracted from your house please don't call me. I don't mind snakes at all, but let's just say I've had my fill of snake wrangling. I'll leave that to the professionals.


"The dream is to keep surprising yourself. Never mind the audience."--Tom Hiddleston

Hiking First Landing State Park

"I am unbore-able in the great outdoors." --P.J O'Rourke

When you think of Virginia Beach no one has ever said "Oh my goodness that's such a fantastic place to hike!" If someone had said that to me a few weeks ago I would've thought they had a few screws loose. A week ago my boyfriend, puppy (Atlas) and I discovered the glorious, beautiful, and slightly confusing First Landing State Park.

First Landing is located near the Oceanfront area, but away from the insanity of the tourist attractions near the boardwalk. How I have never been there before still blows my mind, but I am beyond happy we discovered it recently. My dog Atlas is 50% border collie, 25% lab, and 25% miniature pinscher. Needless to say he is one insanely cute, smart, hyper, goofy boy. He is also born for walkies. We walk in a lot in neighborhoods near us, at Mt Trashmore and on the beach when it's not too hot, but none of those places are scenic.

Will and I were cruising around the internet one day and came across the website for First Landing State Park. We realized we had never been there before so we decided to take Atlas hiking on our day off. It was one of the best things we've done as a family. There are about a dozen trails you can take depending on what you want to see and the length you want to go. Many of them meet up so if you get tired of one you can switch another!

We took Long Creek Trail, which we thought was a 4 mile loop. Turns out we read the super tiny map they gave us wrong so it was not a loop, but could be if we transferred to another trail...which we had already passed 2 miles ago by the time we realized what had happened. Moving on.

The trails aren't marked too well as far as knowing which trail you're taking, but it's pretty easy to find your way around, plus there's bound to be a fellow hiker you can ask along the way. Back to Long Creek Trail. We started out walking up a small road to the entrance and began our hike in a very wooded area. Atlas had never really seen much forest so he was a sniffing fiend. He just trotted along like he was the happiest puppy ever, which it's pretty safe to say that he was.

I have a feeling this trail is going to be our absolute favorite. Some trails only see the beach or forest. This trail took us through swamp, wetlands, beaches, forest, and even a small meadow. We got to see tons of wildlife while we were out there and met a lot of nice hikers who let their dogs meet ours. By the end of it all even Atlas was tired, which is a feat in itself.

When we finally found the trail head again we were exhausted. We had explored new places, Atlas had the best walk ever, we were starving, and Atlas didn't even want to walk anymore. Will decided to give our poor dog a break since we gave him the longest walk he's ever had and carried him partway down the hill. Atlas definitely has us trained well ;-)

First Landing is also super cheap! As a Virginia resident it's only $5. I think for out of owners it's $10 and there's also campgrounds! It's a super neat place that I can't wait to explore more!

"Marry an outdoors woman. Then if you throw her out into the yard on a cold night, she can still survive."--W.C Fields

Dog Owners Say the Darndest Things

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on  glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden. Where doing nothing was not boring..it was peace."--Milan Kundera

Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.

Here's a timeline of my adoption story:

Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!

This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!

Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!

Atlas and Will on the day he graduated puppy training!

Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.

Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair,  my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.

Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.

Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!

I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. 

stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:

Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....

If I put lotion on this is what happens:

Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out*   Here's a similar picture:

Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...

Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:

"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.

Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...

Here he is punching her.

Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused.  I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!"   I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.

One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"

i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.

Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings