Dog Owners Say the Darndest Things

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on  glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden. Where doing nothing was not boring..it was peace."--Milan Kundera

Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.

Here's a timeline of my adoption story:

Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!

This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!

Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!

Atlas and Will on the day he graduated puppy training!

Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.

Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair,  my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.

Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.

Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!

I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. 

stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:

Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....

If I put lotion on this is what happens:

Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out*   Here's a similar picture:

Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...

Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:

"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.

Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...

Here he is punching her.

Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused.  I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!"   I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.

One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"

i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.

Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings

Pirate Cow Doesn't Approve

"The average man is a conformist, accepting miseries and disasters with the stoicism of a cow standing in the rain. 

Some people lay awake at night dreaming of what cool super powers they wish they had. Me? Not so much. I wonder why in the heck I was cursed with the weirdest super power possible. I am a cow magnet. How that is useful in any facet of my life except for interesting blogging I might never know. Yes, you read that correctly. If there is a cow in a 50 mile radius of me its ears perk up, it moos to alert the other cows, they get together in a huddle and plot how to best mess with me. It's true. Don't believe me? Read my other posts about animals. I'm also a sheep magnet, but that story has already been written.

My most recent cow encounter was slightly more threatening. It involved very hungry herbivores, a very unhelpful father, a farmer with a horrible sense of humor or a flare for the dramatic, and me. Poor, innocent me. It all began in a city named Emporia. We surveyed a field for a few hours then realized we needed to survey a different field as well. We trudged through the woods and ended up in a sea of cow pies (turds for those unfamiliar with the term) with not a cow in sight. Of course it wouldn't stay that way. As soon as we located the area in which we were going to dig a few holes (in order to test for anything significant) it happened. 

I swear cows have a 6th sense and know when I'm around. It turns out the cows were very hungry and a farmer had just plopped a giant bale of hay in the field. Did he do it in the field where the cows were grazing out of sight? No. He did not. Did the put it in the adjacent field so the cows would not need to feel the need to scare the humans to death? No. He did not. Where did the farmer put the hay? 100 feet away from me. Where was I? I was in between the ONLY fence opening and the delicious hay the cows desperately wanted. 

Oh look cows in the distance. Aren't they nice looking?

Umm... you guys got over here really fast. PLEASE stop screaming your war cries. 

As a girl who grew up in suburbia I am not used to farm animals and I have no idea how to distinguish a menacing cow from a regular mild tempered cow. All I could think about was how I get angry when I'm hungry and how an animal 5x my size must feel when a person who regularly eats beef and really enjoys it stands in their way. My Dad on the other hand grew up on a farm and had frequent cow encounters, therefore he had a built in meter of cow mood judgement that he for some reason never taught me. Jerk.

I was calmly digging my hole in the ground enjoying the scenery and how nice the day had become. This all changed in an instant. By some other what I can only call a 7th sense the cows became fully alert and began a stampede towards me. Yes I do mean stampede. Cows can run alarmingly fast. When over ten 500pounds hungry/angry animals start to yell at the top of their lungs and run as fast as their knobby kneed legs can take them RIGHT AT YOU... yes you a 110 pound red headed person armed only with a shovel and a mean roundhouse kick. I did my best to stay calm, really I did. My voice was slightly high as I said "Dad....DAD...they're coming right at us."

Warning: Objects in picture are closer than they appear

My Dad grunted and barely even gave the stampede a second glance. I can only assume this was because he was deaf. I have never heard a chorus of 10 plus cows before, but it was no library appropriate noise. This was something that rivaled a monster truck show or major sporting event. I began to back away and grip my shovel slightly more tightly. I also wished it wasn't older than I was. In my head I tried to plan out a scenario of where I could run, but my options were electric fence or sprint across fields for long distances while carrying a large man who had no idea why I was running. This was all in my head of course.

I chose the HOLY CRAP DAD WHAT DO I DO? Why? Because I was frozen. I had stared into the eyes of the leader. The feared Pirate Cow. Known only in legend, but never before seen until now...at least by those who lived to tell the tale. I even managed to snap a picture. I can only imagine that he let me do this because no self respecting leader pirate cow is afraid of cameras or small fake red heads wielding shovels in a very non-ninja like manner.

Note the eye patch...

Luckily the war cries had stopped by now. We were in a stand off. I've never been in a stand off with roughly a dozen cattle, but it was an interesting experience. I would stare, one would get bored, another would stamp its feet, one would step forward and challenge me with its giant eyes. I stared back with what I hoped was a look that oozed power and dominance, but I doubt that succeeded. My Dad quickly became grumpy and decided that having a staring contest instead of digging holes was not productive. 

He turned around and raised both arms and yelled at the cow standing in front of pirate cow in the picture above, which I assume was the body guard. This cow was scared of the moustached man and responded by blowing boogers out of his nose. Interesting defense mechanism, but I digress. The second my Dad's back was turned the cows all stared at me. Not one. Not two. Every. Single. One turned their heads slowly and stared right at me. I am not lying or exaggerating. 

This is how I felt. A combo of this:

And this:

My Dad was blissfully ignorant of the sudden developments. I attempted to dig holes and keep an eye on the cows who were clearly plotting my death. The edged slightly closer every time I turned my back and it was disconcerting to see them larger and larger each time I looked back. We finally finished our holes, which luckily weren't large enough for the cows to hide my body in. That might seem like an extreme reaction, but hunger does bad things to you as Snickers showed thru their hilarious series of commercials. 

My Dad thought it was hilarious that I was very agitated over a group of cows who acted angelic when he looked at them. I briskly walked toward the fence as the cows grouped behind me and matched my pace as they headed for the bale of hay aka dinner. Did I mention this bale of hay was directly in the path to the car? I'm just lucky I guess.

The moral of the story? Don't mess with hungry cows. Don't rely on farm bred fathers to save you from pirate cows that are trying to plot your death. Watch out for projectile boogers from cow noses. It's a real threat. 

"Moo may represent and idea, but only the cow knows." --Mason Cooley

Grown Man vs Bat

"But I love being scared. I think you're brave only when you do things that scare you." --Ginnifer Goodwin

There comes a time in every man's life when he must defend himself against vicious creatures of the wild. Most people expect to find these creatures outside of their homes. The most terrifying and effective creature attacks are ones that come from within our comfort zones. These are particularly effective when coming from your clothes rack as you prepare for bed. This creature, which happens to be a bat, knew this and also knew that this man, we shall call him Bob, was absolutely horrified of bats and would turn into a 5 year old girl when confronted. This is the tale of the epic, but very short lived adventure of the grown man and the bat.

Will and I were casually watching Orange is the New Black because let's face it; it's one of the best shows on tv right now and I may or may not be able to stop watching it. Bob is Will's roommate and has the entire top floor to himself. We hear a massive bang and think okay he dropped something. He then shrieks... and yes I do my shriek. It definitely wasn't a manly yell. Will then gets a phonecall from Bob, but we ignore it. More banging ensues and yelling. We get concerned and answer the next phone call.

It went something like this:

Bob: *sheer panic* THERE. IS. A BAT. A BAT IS IN MY ROOM. OH GOD here it comes. AHHH. Help me. What do I do. How did it get up here???

Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Will: Okay calm down I'm coming.

This is one of those moments where I absolutely hated myself for not grabbing my phone to record the hilarity. We get up to his room and walk in. Bob is crouched behind his bed for cover while holding a t-shirt that he flings when the bat gets close by. This flinging is also accompanied by a girly yell and "oh god... oh god..." By this point the bat is terrified and probably wondering what in the heck is going on. It's flying in a big circle around the room. It tried to fly out the door I was by and I slammed it in its face so we could contain it. Will, unlike Bob, is not terrified of bats. He calmly tried to coax the bat into a pillowcase, but it was too smart for that. He then trapped it inside a laundry hamper.

Bob decided since it was trapped that now would be a good time to come out from behind his bed. He approached the hamper cautiously and began to freak out about getting the bat out of the house.

Here's a fun video that Bob took right before he called Will. This still makes me smile.



Sorry Bob. I know I am exploiting your horror, but you had to have seen this coming.

After Will took the bat outside we went back up to Bob to see how he was coping in his now bat free environment. As we were walking back downstairs I casually threw into the conversation this gem:

Me: "Check your clothes racks for babies. There might be more."

The repeated transition from horror to hate that crossed his face was priceless. It was also completely worth it. We could hear him shuffling through his clothes for 15 minutes before he was convinced I was kidding.

Then because I couldn't help myself I sent him this picture.

With a caption that said "Just think. You could've woken up to this beauty! Best friends!" (Thank you national geographic website for this photo. It's not mine it is completely theirs.)

All I got was a message back saying he hated me. So worth it. 

"As much as they deny it I think people like being scared. It's a phenomenon, why people want to be scared when there is so much violence and craziness in the world. People still really enjoy being scared.  It's a conundrum to me. It's hard to explain. It's an unconscious thing, really, why people like that so much"--Dylan McDermott