Dog Owners Say the Darndest Things

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on  glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden. Where doing nothing was not boring..it was peace."--Milan Kundera

Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.

Here's a timeline of my adoption story:

Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!

This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!

Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!

Atlas and Will on the day he graduated puppy training!

Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.

Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair,  my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.

Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.

Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!

I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. 

stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:

Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....

If I put lotion on this is what happens:

Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out*   Here's a similar picture:

Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...

Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:

"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.

Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...

Here he is punching her.

Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused.  I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!"   I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.

One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"

i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.

Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings

If I could talk to spiders...

"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."--John Wayne

For reasons such as hairy bodies, way too many eyes, their creepy skulking walk, and the terror they instill in millions of people, I really don't like spiders. They are horrifying on every level to me. Yes I know they are great for the ecosystem and eat bugs I don't want in my house, but do they have to do the following things? Repeatedly?

1. Creep up on me in the shower and make me slip and almost die

2. Hide in places where I will put my hands and not notice them until I am 2mm away from touching them

3. Appear in my bathroom and walk in a hasty manner towards me when I am indisposed on the toilet and unable to move.

4. Show themselves to me right as I am going to bed and then disappear so I have nightmares and constantly think I'm being crawled on by said creepy creature.

5. Stare and unexpectedly launch themselves at me then retreat like it's a game.

For those poor people who know what I am talking about...I'm sorry. For those of you laughing at our pain... go away. It's scary, irrational, and very traumatic.

However, I feel like this could all be changed positively. What if we could talk to spiders? It would be so much better. It would be more like having a super awkward friend that doesn't know how to interact socially instead of a serial killer hanging out in your home.

Here's how I imagine it would go in the above situations.

1. Spider: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY man I'm glad you turned the shower on I need to rinse off.

Me: WOAH there... this is really a one person job. No offense, but get out.

Spider: How about I just stay in this corner and soak up the steam. I promise I won't be creepy

Me: Okay but can you scoot over? I don't think you want to get swept into the water and drown.

Spider: Thanks for looking out for me. Have a great shower.

See? So much more civilized than the usual " OH &^%^%##$#^&**()(%$#$#%^ SPIDER HOW DO I DROWN IT WITHOUT IT GOING BY MY FEET? Okay I'll just stand on the edges and hope I don't sli.. oh goodness I slipped... where's the spider? Ew it's watching me. What a creep. I hope it doesn't come closer. I don't want to take a shower while watching it the whole time...

2. Me: I'm just going to reach into this bucket to get a sponge to wash my car.. OH GOD what is that?

Spider: Hey there. I'm just guarding the sponges from other bugs you don't like. Sorry if I scared you.

Me: How kind of you! Can you move over to the other sponge so I can use this one? Thanks

Spider: No problem

Me: I hope you catch plenty of food you faithful guardian of sponges. You're awesome.

Instead of this happening I usually scream and run a few feet away, look around for something long enough to smack the spider without fear of it jumping on me or running right at me immediately.

3. Me: Yay! Time to read this magazine

Spider: HEY! How's it going. That looks cool! Can I read it too?

Me: Hey man. Look this is sort of a personal moment in case you didn't notice...

Spider: Woah sorry I had no idea.

Me: No worries. I'll leave the magazine on the floor so you can read it later.

Spider: You're the best human ever.

In reality this is a terrifying event. Being trapped while being vulnerable on a toilet is never graceful or fun. It's humiliating and horrifying. There's never anything adequate to whack a spider with and there is always the fear it will crawl up the toilet and onto you while you're immobile. Putting your feet up and waving a magazine around like a crazy person while spraying febreeze like it's a bug killer is usually the scenario that happens. Inner screaming is common as well.

4. Me: Time for bed! I'm so tired! OH GOD IS THAT A SPIDER? *wide awake*

Spider: Hey! It's okay. I just wanted to escort you to bed. I ate a mean looking bug earlier and wanted to make sure you were safe.

Me: Well I feel like a jerk. It's okay. Hey... where did you go?

Spider: Sorry had to take care of another bug who was acting out. Want a bedtime story?

Me: Yeah that would be great. Thanks for protecting me. Just don't come on my bed...

Spider: No it's cool. That's your space.

This usually goes something like this: SPIDER. WHAT DO I DO. DAAAAAAAAAAD. HELP. HELP HELP HELP. THERE IS A SPIDER. there was a spider... NOOOOOO where did it go? It conveniently reveals itself after every has gone to bed grumpy that I woke them up for an invisible spider.

5. Me: I'm just going to walk down this hallway.. AHH what the heck?

Spider: HEY. Don't come down here it's not safe.

Me: Okay thanks for letting me know, but you didn't have to keep jumping at me. It's scary.

Spider: Sorry, but I know how much you hate cockroaches and there's a massive one over here. My brother is fighting him, but it's getting intense. Stay back.

Me: Alright I will. I appreciate the help.

If we could communicate with the things that terrify us I feel like the world would be a much less scary place. Or we could at least here them coming and voice our fears and angry rants to them instead of looking like we're nuts by jumping around and avoiding spiders and throwing random inanimate objects at tiny creatures that it makes no sense to fear... I'm very guilty of this and I'm sure random people get a good laugh at my expense. It's just like watching people fend of flies coming at their faces or people waving off bees. It looks like they are fighting invisible beings from a distance, but up close they are waging an intense war. Be nice to these people.




PS. This has nothing to do with spiders, but I wanted to share just how dedicated I am to writing this blog. My previous post about things that are acceptable to do as cats, but not as humans is very relevant right now. I am at Will's house again with the night terror herself, Natasha (the cat). She has been "helping" me write this post and just now decided to walk all over my computer as I was typing and then proceeded to EAT my audition lines for a film. She then had the nerve to FART in my FACE and then stare at me until I smelled it. This cat has it out for me...She's still eating my papers...

"When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of."--Sylvester Stallone

Nigel Thornberry and Dora The Explorer

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."--Mahatma Gandhi

No I am not making any of this up. It's 100% true. I don't know if that's sad or just plain funny. I'm going to go with funny. Now on to the story, here is the completely true, non-exaggerrated story of what happened to me on a nice evening in May.

I was minding my own business, just relaxing and surfing the internet, when my Dad walks into my room. He looks at me and says "Can you come help me outside real quick?" First of all, alarm bells should've been going off in my head as it was almost 7pm. Alarm bells definitely started going off when he poked his head back in to say "just come out and don't ask questions."   My response? Uhhhh.... Ooookay. I got up, put shoes on and headed into the kitchen. I was met by my Dad who handed me these tools:

In my head I was saying "what in the world... you know what... I've been handed weirder objects in my life. Let's see where this goes." Meanwhile my Dad is rummaging around in the garage and comes out with a MASSIVE hard hat that I can only explain as what Dora the Explorer would wear on a construction site.

At this point I really was starting worry what in the world I was going to be doing in my own backyard. Why did I need a pencil with fishing line? What in the world was I going to be doing that involved potentially getting bashed on the head? My confusion was only about to worsen.

Most people have fired a slingshot. If you haven't, you might want to get angry with your parents about how you seriously missed out on an epic part of your childhood. What does a slingshot have to do with this story? Everything my friends. Everything. Don't ask me where he got it, but when I went to walk outside my Dad pulled out a HUGE slingshot the size of my lower leg. I'll upload a picture later for all of those non-believers out there. It was this point in time where A. I wondered what a huge slingshot was doing in the cabinet with laundry detergent. I had a feeling no one in the house had adopted a very brutal way of putting soap in the washing machine or a fun way of transferring clothes from the washer to dryer. B. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HAPPENING?

I get outside and walk to an enormous tree in my backyard. My Dad had gotten it into his head that he wanted to take a large branch down so he was going to tie fishing line around it to help yank it down... I was to hold the pencil with the fishing line reel in the middle of it so it could unspool itself. My Dad had tied a heavy metal circle thing to the end of the fishing line and was attempting to propel it over the VERY high branch with his slingshot. The construction hard hat was in case he missed and I got whacked on the head by a circular missile like piece of metal... My Dad had a very fashionable hard hat that looked like it was stolen from Inspector Gadget and he had tried to disguise it as a giant ant transformer. Yes I'm still being completely honest here.

Needless to say this flawless (sarcasm) plan didn't work. The metal thing broke free and landed somewhere in the garden. It being the same color as the dirt was not found. It's still sitting in the garden.

What I didn't witness, but my Mom did... lucky for her... was my Dad's second attempt at removing the limb. He managed to somehow get a rope over the branch and tied it off to his 69 land rover. He wanted to use his new winch sooooo he finally got his chance. My Mom looked out the window one day to see my Dad in the land rover attempting to pull down a tree limb.... only the limb won and the back end of the land rover was in the air.

Aren't you jealous this isn't your family? Well that's my awkward family moment for the day. Stay tuned for more mishaps, adventures, and quirky stories.   Oh and thanks for reading this :) I can't say that enough.

"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself"--

I'm Just Not Normal

And I'm perfectly okay with that. The people who know me know that I have a tendency to just throw out random thoughts that are usually followed but a combination of awkward pauses, stares, and laughter. Normal people just don't have the kinds of thoughts that I do pop into their heads... or if they do they just don't say them out loud. I'm just going to go ahead and assume I was put on this earth for many reasons, but one of them being comic relief.

My most recent random thought came to me when I was riding in the car with my friend Sarah. We have just started our own greeting card company that caters to anyone and everyone and even businesses.
http://eclecticitygreetingcards.webs.com/
www.facebook.com/eclecticityrva
Yaaaay advertisement. Back to my story. Sarah and I have decided to make our products as eco-friendly as possible. This is how our conversation went:

Sarah: So I've been looking in to eco-friendly ink for our pictures
Me: Good idea. What exactly is eco-friendly ink? Do they go out and squeeze squid or something?
*awkward pause*....*laughter* Why that was the FIRST thing to pop in to my head I will never know. Surely people don't think of scuba divers chasing down squid and scaring them in order to collect ink in little vials in order to print eco-friendly pictures is not the first thing that comes to mind. My brain is a weird place people. At least it's never boring.   I told my friend Will about this conversation and all he could think about was me going around a factory of squid in aquariums where I run at the tanks and the squid yell "ahh you made me ink" just like in Finding Nemo. I'm glad I've found a group of people who all have a mutual sense of weird about us. Besides... scaring massive amounts of squid is the opposite of eco-friendly. Don't do it.

I was driving down the road the other day and I'm not sure why this thought popped in to my head "why don't homeless people migrate south for the winter?"  I was driving past a golf course where rich men wearing bright pants that should have never been worn post-1980s were meandering around hitting little white balls with bent metal sticks. Can you tell I'm a huge fan of golf? It was cold outside so maybe that's where the thought came from. If birds are smart enough to think "Hmm... hey guys it's getting a bit nippy outside. We don't have nifty sweaters or houses with central heating. Let's fly to ohhh let's say Florida? We won't freeze to death there."  Homeless people are pretty much in the same position. IT IS COLD here. Why in the world would they not go somewhere warm? They would get exercise, see the country, and stay warm. 3 positives right there. They should observe geese more closely. Bird watching must not be a huge part of the homeless Virginian population's hobbies.

I am a huge fan of AMC's The Walking Dead. Give me a zombie movie or tv show and I will watch it albeit slightly terrified, but mentally preparing myself... You never know. One thing I've noticed... WHO is so OCD that they are sticking around to mow the lawns during the zombie apocalypse? There are tons of movies and shows that show neatly mowed lawns. The Walking Dead had that issue in season 1, but now everything is thankfully overgrown and jungle-esque, which I appreciate. If you think about it I have a very valid point. The lunatics who think "well if a zombie comes at me I'll just mow them over and then I can continue to make my lawn gorgeous for the tons of neighbors who really care because obviously this is such a valuable aspect of post apocalyptic life"  are the ones who will be eaten first. Darwined out. Food for thought there... but hopefully not zombie food for thought because that's just unfortunate for you.

Now for something entirely different. Am I the only one who accidentally types "me" instead of "my". I do it ALL the time. It always makes me chuckle because when I type I tend to say what I'm typing "out loud" in my head, so I always feel like I sound like either a pirate or an irishman... or an irish pirate. Example: Me brain is a weird place people... totally Irish pirate. I've lost me parrot at the pub--another fine example although not quite as common a saying.

There you have it. All of these random thoughts weaved their way into my brain this week. It's only Thursday. Bring it on life. I love being weird :)