If I could talk to spiders...

"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."--John Wayne

For reasons such as hairy bodies, way too many eyes, their creepy skulking walk, and the terror they instill in millions of people, I really don't like spiders. They are horrifying on every level to me. Yes I know they are great for the ecosystem and eat bugs I don't want in my house, but do they have to do the following things? Repeatedly?

1. Creep up on me in the shower and make me slip and almost die

2. Hide in places where I will put my hands and not notice them until I am 2mm away from touching them

3. Appear in my bathroom and walk in a hasty manner towards me when I am indisposed on the toilet and unable to move.

4. Show themselves to me right as I am going to bed and then disappear so I have nightmares and constantly think I'm being crawled on by said creepy creature.

5. Stare and unexpectedly launch themselves at me then retreat like it's a game.

For those poor people who know what I am talking about...I'm sorry. For those of you laughing at our pain... go away. It's scary, irrational, and very traumatic.

However, I feel like this could all be changed positively. What if we could talk to spiders? It would be so much better. It would be more like having a super awkward friend that doesn't know how to interact socially instead of a serial killer hanging out in your home.

Here's how I imagine it would go in the above situations.

1. Spider: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY man I'm glad you turned the shower on I need to rinse off.

Me: WOAH there... this is really a one person job. No offense, but get out.

Spider: How about I just stay in this corner and soak up the steam. I promise I won't be creepy

Me: Okay but can you scoot over? I don't think you want to get swept into the water and drown.

Spider: Thanks for looking out for me. Have a great shower.

See? So much more civilized than the usual " OH &^%^%##$#^&**()(%$#$#%^ SPIDER HOW DO I DROWN IT WITHOUT IT GOING BY MY FEET? Okay I'll just stand on the edges and hope I don't sli.. oh goodness I slipped... where's the spider? Ew it's watching me. What a creep. I hope it doesn't come closer. I don't want to take a shower while watching it the whole time...

2. Me: I'm just going to reach into this bucket to get a sponge to wash my car.. OH GOD what is that?

Spider: Hey there. I'm just guarding the sponges from other bugs you don't like. Sorry if I scared you.

Me: How kind of you! Can you move over to the other sponge so I can use this one? Thanks

Spider: No problem

Me: I hope you catch plenty of food you faithful guardian of sponges. You're awesome.

Instead of this happening I usually scream and run a few feet away, look around for something long enough to smack the spider without fear of it jumping on me or running right at me immediately.

3. Me: Yay! Time to read this magazine

Spider: HEY! How's it going. That looks cool! Can I read it too?

Me: Hey man. Look this is sort of a personal moment in case you didn't notice...

Spider: Woah sorry I had no idea.

Me: No worries. I'll leave the magazine on the floor so you can read it later.

Spider: You're the best human ever.

In reality this is a terrifying event. Being trapped while being vulnerable on a toilet is never graceful or fun. It's humiliating and horrifying. There's never anything adequate to whack a spider with and there is always the fear it will crawl up the toilet and onto you while you're immobile. Putting your feet up and waving a magazine around like a crazy person while spraying febreeze like it's a bug killer is usually the scenario that happens. Inner screaming is common as well.

4. Me: Time for bed! I'm so tired! OH GOD IS THAT A SPIDER? *wide awake*

Spider: Hey! It's okay. I just wanted to escort you to bed. I ate a mean looking bug earlier and wanted to make sure you were safe.

Me: Well I feel like a jerk. It's okay. Hey... where did you go?

Spider: Sorry had to take care of another bug who was acting out. Want a bedtime story?

Me: Yeah that would be great. Thanks for protecting me. Just don't come on my bed...

Spider: No it's cool. That's your space.

This usually goes something like this: SPIDER. WHAT DO I DO. DAAAAAAAAAAD. HELP. HELP HELP HELP. THERE IS A SPIDER. there was a spider... NOOOOOO where did it go? It conveniently reveals itself after every has gone to bed grumpy that I woke them up for an invisible spider.

5. Me: I'm just going to walk down this hallway.. AHH what the heck?

Spider: HEY. Don't come down here it's not safe.

Me: Okay thanks for letting me know, but you didn't have to keep jumping at me. It's scary.

Spider: Sorry, but I know how much you hate cockroaches and there's a massive one over here. My brother is fighting him, but it's getting intense. Stay back.

Me: Alright I will. I appreciate the help.

If we could communicate with the things that terrify us I feel like the world would be a much less scary place. Or we could at least here them coming and voice our fears and angry rants to them instead of looking like we're nuts by jumping around and avoiding spiders and throwing random inanimate objects at tiny creatures that it makes no sense to fear... I'm very guilty of this and I'm sure random people get a good laugh at my expense. It's just like watching people fend of flies coming at their faces or people waving off bees. It looks like they are fighting invisible beings from a distance, but up close they are waging an intense war. Be nice to these people.




PS. This has nothing to do with spiders, but I wanted to share just how dedicated I am to writing this blog. My previous post about things that are acceptable to do as cats, but not as humans is very relevant right now. I am at Will's house again with the night terror herself, Natasha (the cat). She has been "helping" me write this post and just now decided to walk all over my computer as I was typing and then proceeded to EAT my audition lines for a film. She then had the nerve to FART in my FACE and then stare at me until I smelled it. This cat has it out for me...She's still eating my papers...

"When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of."--Sylvester Stallone