Dog Owners Say the Darndest Things

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on  glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden. Where doing nothing was not boring..it was peace."--Milan Kundera

Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.

Here's a timeline of my adoption story:

Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!

This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!

Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!

Atlas and Will on the day he graduated puppy training!

Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.

Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair,  my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.

Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.

Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!

I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. 

stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:

Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....

If I put lotion on this is what happens:

Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out*   Here's a similar picture:

Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...

Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:

"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.

Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...

Here he is punching her.

Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused.  I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!"   I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.

One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"

i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.

Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings

Things that are okay to do as a cat, but not as a human

"Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings." --Oliver Herford

Cats are notorious for doing annoyingly cute things that make us laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, but at the same time wonder why we ever adopted them in first place. As those of you who read my blog regularly know that I have had some interesting encounters with cats recently. This time the culprit is named Natasha. She is my boyfriend's (Will) cat. For some reason she thinks it is okay to bang on the door at 5am and run on the bed like a maniac when we are fast asleep in dream land. She's the inspiration for this story. Enjoy :)

Things that are okay to do as a cat, but not as a human being:

1. Bite people when they attempt to give you affection.

Cats are notorious for letting you pet them a specific number of times before they attack your hand. This mystical number changes each petting session and you will never be given any warning.

It's even worse when it happens with people... That would just be horrible.

2. Lick yourself in front of people

How cats can lick themselves for hours I will never know. I do know that it is hilarious to pet them right after they finish. The dirty look like they are calculating how best to murder you without getting their fur dirtier than your hand just made it is priceless.

3. Sit on someone

Cats always find the most awkward way to sit on you right when you are in the middle of reading something or are about to get up. Once they're on you, you're trapped by a purring ball of fur that happens to have retractable claws of fury.

4. Knock over everything on a table for no reason

We've all had it happen. Sometimes it scares us to death when a lamp falls on your face in the middle of the night. Sometimes we think someone is breaking into the house, but it's really the cat parading around knocking your things on the floor while staring you in the eye daring you do stop them. Can you do anything about it? No. Why? Because they're cats.

5. Wake people up at 5am. 

Whether it's the cats making loud noises that makes it sound like a troupe of tap dancing sumo wrestlers are on your roof or right next to you in bed or the melodious screech of cats singing you the song of their people at the top of their lungs there is no denying that they are doing it just to enjoy our reactions. My personal experience with this has not been fun. EVERY SINGLE TIME I spend the night at Will's the cat decides to learn out to play the drums on his closet door and makes a surprisingly loud noise. Guess what time she does this? 3am. Every. Single. Time. Nothing will stop her. She is determined to make sweet sweet music with that door. Only it's not sweet. It's horrifying to wake up to and makes me want to lock her out of the room. Number 6 is what happens as a result of locking her out. I've chosen the lesser of 2 evils... number 5... 

PS I tried to replicate (obviously) the noise Natasha makes on that door... I came nowhere close. She's got some sort of noise making voodoo that she does. 

6. Crying...or should I say meowing outside of doors

I don't know why cats think that because a door is closed that they need to A) beat it down mercilessly because how DARE you shut me out of a room and B) why they have to sit outside the door constantly testing their opera skills in how loud and proud they can meow. For such a small creature they can really make a ridiculous amount of noise. Of course they do this at stupid o clock in the morning when the rest of the world is asleep.

7. Bringing dead animals to you

Now I don't mean the friendly neighborhood "oh hey I went hunting here is a lump of meat for your freezer." I mean the "hey I just killed this with my bare hands and dropped it by your feet. Hope you don't mind the trail of blood and gore I left all over the yard and my fur that I'm about to rub all over your legs and furniture for you to discover later. Enjoy!"

Yes that is my dad holding a dead chipmunk. Don't worry it died of natural causes. The last thing I need is for people to think my dad has a vendetta against cute and cuddly chipmunks. Turns out he found it (dead) on top of a filing cabinet in a blanket where it went to live out its last hours. I guess it got trapped in the garage and well... ended up very flat and lifeless. He came into my room (my Dad not the chipmunk turned zombie) with a goofy grin and pulled that dude from behind his back. Honestly I'm used to dead animals being randomly placed in the house. Mostly in the freezer and occasionally his office, but bringing them into my room as I'm typing a blog was A) a bad choice for him since his story is now global and B) caught me very off guard as my room is generally dead body free...unless it's spiders... then it's a war zone... 

8. Hide/sleep in awkward places

I cannot say how many times I've walked into a room and done a double take because the top of my door or a drawer suddenly grew fur and claws. Unfortunately I can say that I've unknowingly sat down in places where I thought my feet would be safe from attach since there couldn't possibly be space underneath the couch and gotten my feet chewed on. Sometimes discovering a cat in odd places is amusing, other times I'm convinced they are testing your hearts ability to not fail on you just in case they need to know for their future evil master plans. 

9. Sit on computers

Computers are sources of heat therefore cats love them. However, they ALWAYS want to lay on them when you have a particularly urgent matter to attend to on that computer. You know your computer is about to be blitzkrieged when you sense you're being watched. You turn your head and turn back to the computer to realize that the cat has tricked you, is now sitting on your keyboard with your hands trapped underneath the cat, its tail is in your face, AND the cat is looking the cutest/most innocent it has ever looked since being a kitten. It's not fair.

Cats clearly are going to do what they want, when they want, and how they want. Just as clearly, humans cannot do the same things otherwise we would probably be considered nuts. Some people love cats and I am personally a dog person, but cats who don't do the things listed above are alright in my book. I even have a soft spot for Natasha who does ALL of those things... except bringing me dead animals, but I'm convinced that's next and will also be at 3am. Although there is nothing we can do to prevent any of these things I do have some advice. Get a dog.

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."--Robert A. Heinlein