Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.
Here's a timeline of my adoption story:
Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!
This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!
Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!
Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.
Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair, my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.
Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.
Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!
I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:
Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....
If I put lotion on this is what happens:
Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out* Here's a similar picture:
Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...
Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:
"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.
Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...
Here he is punching her.Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused. I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!" I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.
One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"
i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.
Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"
"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings
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