Picture this. It's a beautiful day here in Virginia Beach. I've just come home from teaching a gym class this morning and am greeted by my freakishly adorable puppy, Atlas. My cat Natasha has also run up to me to greet me as I walk in. I'm sitting there thinking to myself, man I am having a fabulous day. How could it get any better?
This is the part where life silently chuckled to itself as it thought "let's spice up her morning. It's gotten a little too normal." After greeting my fluffy loves, and thinking about surprising my boyfriend at work with some homemade lunch I walk in to the kitchen to head through the back door to take my dog outside. We have a ritual where I walk in, he sits, and I pet him and rub his belly and give him his favorite...butt rubs. Then he puts his paws on my shoulders for a hug and gives me a quick kiss. After that elaborate, and you have to admit STINKING ADORABLE, greeting I usually take him outside to do his business and to play.
As I walk in to the kitchen I look at the door and wonder what black rope is on the floor and partially propped up against the door. I brush it off as some random piece of a bag one of the cats got in to and then got bored with. Until...
"Okay Atlas, let's go outside! Wait... did that rope just move? OH SH!T NO WAY"
Here's where things start to slow down and move incredibly fast all at once. It's weird how in times of crisis this happens, but for anyone who has ever had something ridiculous like this happen to them you know what I mean.
All of this happened all at once... As my handsome puppy moved towards the door to go outside and play, this what I now realized was a 5 foot long snake had just realized a 55lb fluffy monster was moving toward its new sunning spot in its new kitchen home. What did it do? it CLIMBED UP THE BACK DOOR. At this point my brain just sort of freaked out on the inside, but I went in to super puppy mom mode. My dog LOVES anything and everything. He naturally greets any dog or squirrel or bunny, etc that he meets. He even likes bugs. He has no idea what to do with anything other than people, dogs, and cats. He's caught so many squirrels and just sits there and smiles at them while they tremble thinking they're about to die a violent death. Then he lets them go and moves on to playing with a stick or a ball.
That being said, the second he saw that the super long black thing in the kitchen that the cat had been staring at was actually a living creature he thought "oh I'll greet it and welcome it in to our home. Give me a hug big rope thing!" He trots over to it as it is showing it prowess in climbing walls, it sees Atlas and begins to freak out while trying to get back under the door where it came from and manages to violently knock its face on the door several times while my dog is trying to step on it. FINALLY it makes its way under the door and in to the laundry room...
What did I do during this? "ATLAS NO OH GOD NO. SNAKE IF YOU BITE MY DOG I'M GOING TO FILET YOU UP FOR DINNER. I KNOW YOU HAVE NO IDEA WHAT I'M YELLING BUT FOR THE LOVE OF GOD GO UNDER THE DOOR. ATLAS COME HERE DAMN IT DOG."
Now after successfully scream scaring the cat from the kitchen and the snake under the door and confusing my dog I was a little proud of myself for getting it out of the main part of the house. The problem was it was still somewhere in my laundry room and the only easy way to get outside was thru that room. I called my boyfriend who was conveniently at work, because why would anything disastrous happen when he's here? I'm sure he got a good laugh out of my texts of (and I quote)
"THERE IS A SNAKE IN THE HOUSE. A SNAKE WILLIAM. COME HOME."
"Okay it's in the laundry room. I lost it."
"I don't think it's poisonous, but it can climb walls so that's insane."
"I'm going to open the back door and hope it goes out and no more come in."
In the end, I'm 90% sure it left my back porch/laundry room. We haven't seen a snake in there in a while so that's a good sign. Turns out it was a black racer, which are crazy fast, climb trees, but thankfully are not poisonous.
It's been a little hectic here lately and just wait until you here my mouse story next week! If you ever need a snake hilariously and loudly extracted from your house please don't call me. I don't mind snakes at all, but let's just say I've had my fill of snake wrangling. I'll leave that to the professionals.
"The dream is to keep surprising yourself. Never mind the audience."--Tom Hiddleston
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