The Horrors Of Xmas Baking

Christmas, in its final essence, is for grown people who have forgotten what children know. Christmas is for whoever is old enough to have denied the unquenchable spirit of man.”
~ Margaret Cousins

Let's face it. I just spent the last 4 years in undergrad and one year abroad getting a master's degree. It's also Christmas, the time of the year where we're supposed to spend copious amounts of money on everyone we know and people we don't know too well unless we want to suffer through guilt all year long. I'm also completely broke. Zero money. Nada. I decided I would buy a select few people Christmas presents because they're my best friends and family and who better to go into debt for? 

Here's a taste of my internal dialogue when deciding what to do for presents for friends:

Stingy me: Go to the dollar store. No one will ever know.

Spend your life savings me: No everyone else will be doing that. We're all college kids.

Stingy me: Do stocking stuffers and give them things that don't cost much but wrap them nicely so it looks like you spent more.

Spend your life savings me: Alright. I can live with that. BUT I'll make my own Christmas cards using my own photography and then bake them Christmasy esque looking things. GREAT IDEA

Stingy me: Good luck with that Martha Stewart.

And so it went! I went off shopping with friends and battled my way through traffic and indecision. I had finally finished shopping for stocking stuffers when it hit me. The little voice inside your head that only comes at Christmas that thinks "well... I want that so maybe if I buy it for them and then not give it to them that that will be okay. Am I giving this person too much? What if I come at them with a huge bag and all I get is a $5 gift card to somewhere that everyone but that person knows I hate? OH GOD I HAVE TO BUY EVERYTHING IN THIS STORE.  I DON'T CARE WHO IT'S FOR IT HAS TO BE MINE. AHHHHHHH." That's how it usually goes on any given day during the holiday season... hopefully I'm not alone in this. I usually stand in line and realize how crazy I am for putting things in my basket that I don't even know how they function or if they are actually sold in the store and not just left behind by some wacko playing a prank and try to subtly hide things at random places in the store because finding where I picked it up would just end up in catastrophe. 

Baking Catastrophe 1:  The hot chocolate mix

I thought I could be fancy and make delicious red velvet hot chocolate mix from scratch and put them in cute mason jars and have there be nice layers and ribbons everywhere to give it a festive look. That's not what happened. I spent probably a good 2 hours searching for a hot chocolate mix recipe that I didn't need a degree in astrophysics and also have a psychic gift to decipher. I panicked and went to Kroger (an awesome grocery store) and bought ready made hot chocolate mix, poured it into mason jars (and all over my hand, desk and the floor). I tried to add an extra layer of marshmallows in the middle to spice it up. The mix completely engulfed any trace of marshmallows in the middle. Now when friends try to use it they are going to get a surprise.... Once I cleaned up the inevitable mess that comes with being me I tied red, white and green ribbons to the lid. I tried to do the trick with the scissors that makes the ribbons curly and cute. It worked for the bottom centimeter. Not exaggerating. The rest of it ended up molding into odd shapes jutting out from the jar at odd angles. One is even sticking out completely straight at a perpendicular angle to the jar. It takes talent to do this people. At least that's what I tell myself. At least the jars are unique. Now if I could get the cat to stop chewing on them they would look even better....

Baking Catastrophe 2:

Brownines. Simple yes? No. Not when you make them into cupcakes and attempt to put santa hats made of strawberries and icing. Attempt number 1 followed the directions on the box. Yes I used a box. I'm not trying to poison anyone. It told me to bake for 40 minutes, so I obeyed. Bad decision. I ended up with brownies that doubled as hockey pucks. Into the trash they went. Bah humbug. I decided to move on to catastrophe number 3 in hopes I would have better luck... 

Baking Catastrophe 3: 

Snowmen made of marshmallows, held together by pretzel sticks and dipped in candycane flavored chocolate. Sounds cute doesn't it? Bet you wouldn't say that if you saw my first attempt and the resulting dilapidated chunky blobs that looked like zombie marshmallow snowmen. Yep... that happened. Luckily my mom came and helped me roll them. But that was today and the real disaster came yesterday... After the brownie incident I thought melting chocolate to dip would be super easy. No. Turns out putting hershey kisses in a plastic cup in the microwave results in your white choclate turning a dark brown, becoming frothy, and it melts the entire cup and eats through the bottom of the cup. Again, I'm talented. Food Network please hire me. I can have a show called "How You Should NEVER Cook." I also tried melting it in a pot on the oven. Again I was wrong. It just burns on the bottoms and turns into a sticky mess. Luckily I cleaned all of the evidence of that mess before my parents walked back into the kitchen. After that I thought to myself " (^*&%&$#^@$^%&(^)(&*(&%^ I'm done for tonight. I suck at baking. This is going nowhere. I hate baking. BAH HUMBUG..."

Day 2 I awoke with a plan: Gym, hot bubble bath, reading, favorite tv show.... conquer the kitchen. It worked. I felt rejuvenated. I bought all new ingredients although I froze to death and got odd looks for walking into stores in gym shorts and a shirt in the middle of a rain storm and the freezing cold. 

Brownie attempt 2: Succesful

Chocolate chip cookies with peppermint on top: Awesome success. First try. OH YEAH

Snowmen attempt 2: Thanks Mom. She had the great idea to use hershey kisses as heads so I wouldn't have creepy headless snowmen with arms sticking out of their sides... Most of them have become decapitated accidentally so maybe that's creepier, but oh well. Real friends appreciate the effort not the fact that I gave them pink decapitated snowmen. 

All in all it was an experience. Here's some pictures of how they turned out. Martha Stewart eat your heart  out. 

Merry Christmas everyone! And may your Christmas baking disasters be less plentiful than mine. :)

The joy of brightening other lives, bearing each others’ burdens, easing other’s loads and supplanting empty hearts and lives with generous gifts becomes for us the magic of Christmas.”
~ W. C. Jones

My First Ever Cruise... And Quarantine!

"I'm selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best."--Marilyn Monroe

Most of you are probably assuming from the title that I had just about the worst cruise ever. Having nothing to judge it against, I'm going to say it could have been worse, but I certainly could have done without the norovirus experience. I'm getting ahead of myself; let's start at the beginning.

My friend Nick proposed the idea of going on a cruise with his brother, Will, who happened to be my ex boyfriend (don't worry it wasn't freakishly awkward, we're friends). We decided last minute to go to Jamaica and Haiti on Royal Caribbean Cruise lines. Simple enough right? No. We needed a 4th person so we could split room costs. Got one guy, but turns out he didn't have a passport. I got my friend Dan who took the SCUBA dive master class with me to come along. You might be thinking YAY you got the 4th person! Nope. Will backed out for no reason.  Us being stubborn decided to go on the cruise anyway and enjoy a much needed vacation for them and for me it was something equivalent to satiating my need for adventure and travel.

Nick lives in Georgia and both Dan and I live in Virginia. We made the 9 hour drive down to Georgia the day before the cruise and it was surprisingly eventful. It started raining so we thought it would be a good idea to where snorkel gear while driving down the road... just in case. If you have to ask why you might want to stop reading because nothing I do ever really makes sense.

Dan and I also spruced up our car dancing skills and enjoyed singing at the top of our lungs. It really makes long drives more interesting for everyone. I can't tell you how many people have driven past me when I am full on performing a broadway show/concert in my car and given looks of pure confusion and wonderment. Give it a try!

We got to the cruise ship the next day, which was MASSIVE. I've never seen on up close and it was pretty much a floating city equipping with 2 theatres, piano bar, nightclub, gym, pools, climbing wall, surfing area, and helicopter landing pad to name a few. Dan and Nick received a free room upgrade meaning they got a window... me? I got a mirror shaped like a porthole. No big deal because I had somehow magically morphed into a woman named Ruth. Apparently someone else was supposed to have my room before we bought them for the week. The housekeeping and crew of the boat still thought I was this Ruth woman. I went with it because I kept receiving free things like chocolate covered strawberries, and free teeth whitening consultations and money credits to our cruise cards. I guess that's the trade off of not getting a window.

Our first night was spent wandering around and seeing various shows and performances all around the boat. And drinking. Lots of drinking.

 I also tried my hand at gambling. Turns out slot machines are a lot more complicated than I previously anticipated... Of the whopping $2 I spent here is my return...

 The next day was spent entirely out to see so we spent it laying out in the sun. I desperately needed a tan after spending a year in England. I was practically an honorary albino. We spent the day migrating between pool chairs, hot tubs, and the various activities that involved being outside. I am now proudly a shade darker and was not a lobster!. That night was formal dress night so we all got snazzed up for our 3 course meal. These chefs were top notch. I have never had better food in my life, which was unfortunate that I got sick and was restricted to toast for the rest of the trip after that night.

That night we saw the Cirque du Soleil show In The Air. As always it was AMAZING. I can't even form sentences describing how fantastic I think any and all of the Cirque du Soleil shows are so... just go see one. You won't be disappointed. Your mind might be dazed for a few days, but it's a good thing.

The third day we pulled in to Falmouth Jamaica. We pretty much ran off the boat and then got in a minibus that was going to take us to our planned day of snorkeling and climbing waterfalls. Jamaica really looks like a run down third world country. It has its moments, but for the most part it is really apparent that the residents have almost nothing. The landscape even reflected that too, which was slightly disappointing as I had higher hopes for Jamaica. All 3 of us got on the boat for our snorkeling trip and were immediately confused. Dan and I are certified to teach snorkeling and we have never been told to wear a life jacket in this way before...

We knew it was so people would be kept flat on their stomachs to minimize people touching the coral... but it was still an odd way to do that. Jamaica doesn't have much to see when it comes to snorkeling, but it was still a really fun experience. The views once we got back on the boat were more impressive in my opinion. There was a storm that was coming over the mountains and the seas were ridiculously green and blue so it made a really beautiful contrast. 

Once everyone was back on board aka me, Nick and Dan since we refused to come back in early and wanted as much time in the water as possible,  we sailed to Dunn's River Falls. We got in a large group and made our way up a surprisingly difficult climb up a series of waterfalls. I kicked about every rock and also found every hidden hole thereby plunging myself into very cold water. Everyone was SOAKED by the end of it without a change of clothes. SO of course we went to lunch and enjoyed jerk chicken and an odd beef stew that still had all of the bones left in it. I gave up after I started identifying each individual bone and freaked myself out a little bit. I guess that's the downside of being a bone analyst...

Here are some pictures of the falls and the place where we had lunch!

That night the illness from the depths of hell struck. I had just finished eating the best chicken marsala of my life and had just begun the chocolate dessert. The first warning sign was that I didn't want the chocolate... I excused myself from dinner and went back to my room where I began to expel the entire contents of my stomach and intestines and all of the liquids left over in my body for the entire night. That's about as non-graphic as I could make that. 

The next day was the Haiti port call. Needless to say I felt like %@#&. However, me being me, I dragged myself off of the ship knowing I would regret sitting inside my little box of a room all day. Lucky me the walk to the kayak excursion was about a half mile... I managed to get there and finally found the boys. I tried to hide how gross I felt, but it didn't work too well. I was a trooper and made it through out kayak trip! It actually made me feel better to do some exercise and be out on the water. I guess that has to do with me being part fish. I was also slightly angry. Of course it would be my luck to be healthy in the country I didn't like as much and sick as a dog in Haiti which was absolutely gorgeous and that had plenty of places to explore and places to romp around. What did I do instead? I was curled up on a beach chair wrapped in a towel since it was slightly cold outside. 

The view from my beach chair of doom. Not too shabby.

After kayaking I immediately dragged myself to the doctor on board the boat and was diagnosed with norovirus and was stuck in my room for the rest of the trip. I did sneak out and lay by the pool on the last day out to sea and spent the entire day in a hot tub meeting new people who I ended up running around the boat with doing random shenanigans. Apparently that sent me over the edge and I was sick all the next day. Driving back to VA was a good distraction and I felt much better. However the good feeling was limited after losing 10lbs in 2 days and being limited to toast if I was hungry, which wasn't very often. Good news is that I am completely cured!

"Be yourself. Everyone else is already taken." --Oscar Wilde