"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."--John Wayne
For reasons such as hairy bodies, way too many eyes, their creepy skulking walk, and the terror they instill in millions of people, I really don't like spiders. They are horrifying on every level to me. Yes I know they are great for the ecosystem and eat bugs I don't want in my house, but do they have to do the following things? Repeatedly?
1. Creep up on me in the shower and make me slip and almost die
2. Hide in places where I will put my hands and not notice them until I am 2mm away from touching them
3. Appear in my bathroom and walk in a hasty manner towards me when I am indisposed on the toilet and unable to move.
4. Show themselves to me right as I am going to bed and then disappear so I have nightmares and constantly think I'm being crawled on by said creepy creature.
5. Stare and unexpectedly launch themselves at me then retreat like it's a game.
For those poor people who know what I am talking about...I'm sorry. For those of you laughing at our pain... go away. It's scary, irrational, and very traumatic.
However, I feel like this could all be changed positively. What if we could talk to spiders? It would be so much better. It would be more like having a super awkward friend that doesn't know how to interact socially instead of a serial killer hanging out in your home.
Here's how I imagine it would go in the above situations.
1. Spider: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY man I'm glad you turned the shower on I need to rinse off.
Me: WOAH there... this is really a one person job. No offense, but get out.
Spider: How about I just stay in this corner and soak up the steam. I promise I won't be creepy
Me: Okay but can you scoot over? I don't think you want to get swept into the water and drown.
Spider: Thanks for looking out for me. Have a great shower.
See? So much more civilized than the usual " OH &^%^%##$#^&**()(%$#$#%^ SPIDER HOW DO I DROWN IT WITHOUT IT GOING BY MY FEET? Okay I'll just stand on the edges and hope I don't sli.. oh goodness I slipped... where's the spider? Ew it's watching me. What a creep. I hope it doesn't come closer. I don't want to take a shower while watching it the whole time...
2. Me: I'm just going to reach into this bucket to get a sponge to wash my car.. OH GOD what is that?
Spider: Hey there. I'm just guarding the sponges from other bugs you don't like. Sorry if I scared you.
Me: How kind of you! Can you move over to the other sponge so I can use this one? Thanks
Spider: No problem
Me: I hope you catch plenty of food you faithful guardian of sponges. You're awesome.
Instead of this happening I usually scream and run a few feet away, look around for something long enough to smack the spider without fear of it jumping on me or running right at me immediately.
3. Me: Yay! Time to read this magazine
Spider: HEY! How's it going. That looks cool! Can I read it too?
Me: Hey man. Look this is sort of a personal moment in case you didn't notice...
Spider: Woah sorry I had no idea.
Me: No worries. I'll leave the magazine on the floor so you can read it later.
Spider: You're the best human ever.
In reality this is a terrifying event. Being trapped while being vulnerable on a toilet is never graceful or fun. It's humiliating and horrifying. There's never anything adequate to whack a spider with and there is always the fear it will crawl up the toilet and onto you while you're immobile. Putting your feet up and waving a magazine around like a crazy person while spraying febreeze like it's a bug killer is usually the scenario that happens. Inner screaming is common as well.
4. Me: Time for bed! I'm so tired! OH GOD IS THAT A SPIDER? *wide awake*
Spider: Hey! It's okay. I just wanted to escort you to bed. I ate a mean looking bug earlier and wanted to make sure you were safe.
Me: Well I feel like a jerk. It's okay. Hey... where did you go?
Spider: Sorry had to take care of another bug who was acting out. Want a bedtime story?
Me: Yeah that would be great. Thanks for protecting me. Just don't come on my bed...
Spider: No it's cool. That's your space.
This usually goes something like this: SPIDER. WHAT DO I DO. DAAAAAAAAAAD. HELP. HELP HELP HELP. THERE IS A SPIDER. there was a spider... NOOOOOO where did it go? It conveniently reveals itself after every has gone to bed grumpy that I woke them up for an invisible spider.
5. Me: I'm just going to walk down this hallway.. AHH what the heck?
Spider: HEY. Don't come down here it's not safe.
Me: Okay thanks for letting me know, but you didn't have to keep jumping at me. It's scary.
Spider: Sorry, but I know how much you hate cockroaches and there's a massive one over here. My brother is fighting him, but it's getting intense. Stay back.
Me: Alright I will. I appreciate the help.
If we could communicate with the things that terrify us I feel like the world would be a much less scary place. Or we could at least here them coming and voice our fears and angry rants to them instead of looking like we're nuts by jumping around and avoiding spiders and throwing random inanimate objects at tiny creatures that it makes no sense to fear... I'm very guilty of this and I'm sure random people get a good laugh at my expense. It's just like watching people fend of flies coming at their faces or people waving off bees. It looks like they are fighting invisible beings from a distance, but up close they are waging an intense war. Be nice to these people.
PS. This has nothing to do with spiders, but I wanted to share just how dedicated I am to writing this blog. My previous post about things that are acceptable to do as cats, but not as humans is very relevant right now. I am at Will's house again with the night terror herself, Natasha (the cat). She has been "helping" me write this post and just now decided to walk all over my computer as I was typing and then proceeded to EAT my audition lines for a film. She then had the nerve to FART in my FACE and then stare at me until I smelled it. This cat has it out for me...She's still eating my papers...
"When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of."--Sylvester Stallone
Thursday, October 24, 2013
Wednesday, October 9, 2013
I hope no one is eating and reading this
"I am confident that, in the end, common sense and justice will prevail. I'm an optimist, brought up on the belief that if you wait to the end of the story, you get to see good people live happily ever after." --Cat Stevens
That has to sound much cooler than what happened. I had a very exciting morning of working out, and going to panera to buy lunch. Hopefully you noted the sarcasm... I recently got into a 4 car pile up (not my fault and yes I'm okay) so I've been driving very carefully. Will's house is on a street where the traffic is 55mph. I slowed down gradually to turn into his driveway the way normal people would. Apparently the guy driving the car 2 cars behind me wanted me to drive into the driveway like I was a stunt driver for fast and furious. He slammed on his brakes, which caused the motorcyclist behind me to slam on his brakes and go into a skid.
Luckily he slid into the ditch in the front yard, was wearing a helmet, and didn't break any bones. All of this happened in about 2 seconds. I look up from picking up my things from the car and see it happen. I immediately ask if he is okay, and tell him to put the bike in my yard and come inside for me to clean him up.
After about 50 "yes ma'am and thank you ma'am" statements I managed to convince him that he was bleeding and hurt enough to need first aid. He apparently hadn't noticed the hole in his knee or the fact that his palm was missing a layer of skin. Luckily I had to learn first aid when I became a scuba dive master. This is one of the few times I've had to use it and I was extremely glad I could at least help a little. Since I didn't have gloves I turned on the faucet for him and made him wash himself off and applied towels to his wounds and neosporin to his superficial wounds. He had scraped off skin on his palm, fingertips, ripped a few nails off, and scraped his elbow quite a bit. Those were all minor so I wasn't concerned. I noticed his knee later and he definitely needed stitches. What did he say in response? "I'll get some superglue and a butterfly bandaid and it'll be fine." All I could do was stare at him with a look of disbelief and didn't push it.
At this point his adrenaline was rushing like crazy and he was sweating. He just gave me a look of desperation and asked if he could lay on the dining room floor. I couldn't really object so down he went. It was apparently much cooler.
He was having trouble holding all of the towels on his wounds to stop the bleeding and to keep them from getting potentially exposed to infection or dirt. This being a house with 3 navy guys in it I knew there was a slim chance there was a bandaid much less something to bandage him up with. The only reason neosporin was in the house was because Will bashed his head at work and I forced him to put something on it. He complained to much about hydrogen peroxide so I made sure he did something to prevent infection.
By this time I was starving. I'd delayed my lunch by about 30 minutes and anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE lunch...and food in general. I get grumpy when I haven't eaten. So after seeing him was blood and pick bits of skin off himself I causally munched on my sandwich and soup. No I'm not disgusting I'm just really into crime shows and blood and gore don't bother me. Vomit near me and I'll run in the other direction. I hope no one is eating and reading this. Maybe I'll title this post something along those lines so at least I warned you. Anyway, the guy looked at me eating and says "You must be one heck of a weird girl if you can eat after seeing blood." My reply? "Thank you".
I momentarily turned into a mother and told him that he was not allowed to continue bleeding openly onto paper towels and that I was going to attempt to find a makeshift bandage to hold the towels on to stop the bleeding with applied pressure. What was my choice for bandaging? Saran wrap. Yes I did indeed saran wrap a navy seaman. He left the house on his ride home with a saran wrapped knee, elbow, and palm. Thank you kitchen supplies for moonlighting as first aid materials. When in doubt, improvise! Take another look at the picture to see my handy work.
I've never met a person more grateful for me wrapping him in kitchen materials. He thanked me about a dozen times and when he came back to pick up his bike he thanked Will for me helping him. It's nice to know that although that guy's day was ruined, but I was able to help him. It's even nicer to help someone who was so appreciative and genuinely nice. Good people are still out there :) My good deed for the week has been accomplished!
"In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened." --Pierre Tielhard de Chardin
That has to sound much cooler than what happened. I had a very exciting morning of working out, and going to panera to buy lunch. Hopefully you noted the sarcasm... I recently got into a 4 car pile up (not my fault and yes I'm okay) so I've been driving very carefully. Will's house is on a street where the traffic is 55mph. I slowed down gradually to turn into his driveway the way normal people would. Apparently the guy driving the car 2 cars behind me wanted me to drive into the driveway like I was a stunt driver for fast and furious. He slammed on his brakes, which caused the motorcyclist behind me to slam on his brakes and go into a skid.
Luckily he slid into the ditch in the front yard, was wearing a helmet, and didn't break any bones. All of this happened in about 2 seconds. I look up from picking up my things from the car and see it happen. I immediately ask if he is okay, and tell him to put the bike in my yard and come inside for me to clean him up.
After about 50 "yes ma'am and thank you ma'am" statements I managed to convince him that he was bleeding and hurt enough to need first aid. He apparently hadn't noticed the hole in his knee or the fact that his palm was missing a layer of skin. Luckily I had to learn first aid when I became a scuba dive master. This is one of the few times I've had to use it and I was extremely glad I could at least help a little. Since I didn't have gloves I turned on the faucet for him and made him wash himself off and applied towels to his wounds and neosporin to his superficial wounds. He had scraped off skin on his palm, fingertips, ripped a few nails off, and scraped his elbow quite a bit. Those were all minor so I wasn't concerned. I noticed his knee later and he definitely needed stitches. What did he say in response? "I'll get some superglue and a butterfly bandaid and it'll be fine." All I could do was stare at him with a look of disbelief and didn't push it.
At this point his adrenaline was rushing like crazy and he was sweating. He just gave me a look of desperation and asked if he could lay on the dining room floor. I couldn't really object so down he went. It was apparently much cooler.
He was having trouble holding all of the towels on his wounds to stop the bleeding and to keep them from getting potentially exposed to infection or dirt. This being a house with 3 navy guys in it I knew there was a slim chance there was a bandaid much less something to bandage him up with. The only reason neosporin was in the house was because Will bashed his head at work and I forced him to put something on it. He complained to much about hydrogen peroxide so I made sure he did something to prevent infection.
By this time I was starving. I'd delayed my lunch by about 30 minutes and anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE lunch...and food in general. I get grumpy when I haven't eaten. So after seeing him was blood and pick bits of skin off himself I causally munched on my sandwich and soup. No I'm not disgusting I'm just really into crime shows and blood and gore don't bother me. Vomit near me and I'll run in the other direction. I hope no one is eating and reading this. Maybe I'll title this post something along those lines so at least I warned you. Anyway, the guy looked at me eating and says "You must be one heck of a weird girl if you can eat after seeing blood." My reply? "Thank you".
I momentarily turned into a mother and told him that he was not allowed to continue bleeding openly onto paper towels and that I was going to attempt to find a makeshift bandage to hold the towels on to stop the bleeding with applied pressure. What was my choice for bandaging? Saran wrap. Yes I did indeed saran wrap a navy seaman. He left the house on his ride home with a saran wrapped knee, elbow, and palm. Thank you kitchen supplies for moonlighting as first aid materials. When in doubt, improvise! Take another look at the picture to see my handy work.
I've never met a person more grateful for me wrapping him in kitchen materials. He thanked me about a dozen times and when he came back to pick up his bike he thanked Will for me helping him. It's nice to know that although that guy's day was ruined, but I was able to help him. It's even nicer to help someone who was so appreciative and genuinely nice. Good people are still out there :) My good deed for the week has been accomplished!
"In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened." --Pierre Tielhard de Chardin
Wednesday, October 2, 2013
Grown Man vs Bat
"But I love being scared. I think you're brave only when you do things that scare you." --Ginnifer Goodwin
There comes a time in every man's life when he must defend himself against vicious creatures of the wild. Most people expect to find these creatures outside of their homes. The most terrifying and effective creature attacks are ones that come from within our comfort zones. These are particularly effective when coming from your clothes rack as you prepare for bed. This creature, which happens to be a bat, knew this and also knew that this man, we shall call him Bob, was absolutely horrified of bats and would turn into a 5 year old girl when confronted. This is the tale of the epic, but very short lived adventure of the grown man and the bat.
Will and I were casually watching Orange is the New Black because let's face it; it's one of the best shows on tv right now and I may or may not be able to stop watching it. Bob is Will's roommate and has the entire top floor to himself. We hear a massive bang and think okay he dropped something. He then shrieks... and yes I do my shriek. It definitely wasn't a manly yell. Will then gets a phonecall from Bob, but we ignore it. More banging ensues and yelling. We get concerned and answer the next phone call.
It went something like this:
Bob: *sheer panic* THERE. IS. A BAT. A BAT IS IN MY ROOM. OH GOD here it comes. AHHH. Help me. What do I do. How did it get up here???
Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Will: Okay calm down I'm coming.
This is one of those moments where I absolutely hated myself for not grabbing my phone to record the hilarity. We get up to his room and walk in. Bob is crouched behind his bed for cover while holding a t-shirt that he flings when the bat gets close by. This flinging is also accompanied by a girly yell and "oh god... oh god..." By this point the bat is terrified and probably wondering what in the heck is going on. It's flying in a big circle around the room. It tried to fly out the door I was by and I slammed it in its face so we could contain it. Will, unlike Bob, is not terrified of bats. He calmly tried to coax the bat into a pillowcase, but it was too smart for that. He then trapped it inside a laundry hamper.
Bob decided since it was trapped that now would be a good time to come out from behind his bed. He approached the hamper cautiously and began to freak out about getting the bat out of the house.
Here's a fun video that Bob took right before he called Will. This still makes me smile.
Sorry Bob. I know I am exploiting your horror, but you had to have seen this coming.
After Will took the bat outside we went back up to Bob to see how he was coping in his now bat free environment. As we were walking back downstairs I casually threw into the conversation this gem:
Me: "Check your clothes racks for babies. There might be more."
The repeated transition from horror to hate that crossed his face was priceless. It was also completely worth it. We could hear him shuffling through his clothes for 15 minutes before he was convinced I was kidding.
Then because I couldn't help myself I sent him this picture.
"As much as they deny it I think people like being scared. It's a phenomenon, why people want to be scared when there is so much violence and craziness in the world. People still really enjoy being scared. It's a conundrum to me. It's hard to explain. It's an unconscious thing, really, why people like that so much"--Dylan McDermott
There comes a time in every man's life when he must defend himself against vicious creatures of the wild. Most people expect to find these creatures outside of their homes. The most terrifying and effective creature attacks are ones that come from within our comfort zones. These are particularly effective when coming from your clothes rack as you prepare for bed. This creature, which happens to be a bat, knew this and also knew that this man, we shall call him Bob, was absolutely horrified of bats and would turn into a 5 year old girl when confronted. This is the tale of the epic, but very short lived adventure of the grown man and the bat.
Will and I were casually watching Orange is the New Black because let's face it; it's one of the best shows on tv right now and I may or may not be able to stop watching it. Bob is Will's roommate and has the entire top floor to himself. We hear a massive bang and think okay he dropped something. He then shrieks... and yes I do my shriek. It definitely wasn't a manly yell. Will then gets a phonecall from Bob, but we ignore it. More banging ensues and yelling. We get concerned and answer the next phone call.
It went something like this:
Bob: *sheer panic* THERE. IS. A BAT. A BAT IS IN MY ROOM. OH GOD here it comes. AHHH. Help me. What do I do. How did it get up here???
Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Will: Okay calm down I'm coming.
This is one of those moments where I absolutely hated myself for not grabbing my phone to record the hilarity. We get up to his room and walk in. Bob is crouched behind his bed for cover while holding a t-shirt that he flings when the bat gets close by. This flinging is also accompanied by a girly yell and "oh god... oh god..." By this point the bat is terrified and probably wondering what in the heck is going on. It's flying in a big circle around the room. It tried to fly out the door I was by and I slammed it in its face so we could contain it. Will, unlike Bob, is not terrified of bats. He calmly tried to coax the bat into a pillowcase, but it was too smart for that. He then trapped it inside a laundry hamper.
Bob decided since it was trapped that now would be a good time to come out from behind his bed. He approached the hamper cautiously and began to freak out about getting the bat out of the house.
Here's a fun video that Bob took right before he called Will. This still makes me smile.
Sorry Bob. I know I am exploiting your horror, but you had to have seen this coming.
After Will took the bat outside we went back up to Bob to see how he was coping in his now bat free environment. As we were walking back downstairs I casually threw into the conversation this gem:
Me: "Check your clothes racks for babies. There might be more."
The repeated transition from horror to hate that crossed his face was priceless. It was also completely worth it. We could hear him shuffling through his clothes for 15 minutes before he was convinced I was kidding.
Then because I couldn't help myself I sent him this picture.
With a caption that said "Just think. You could've woken up to this beauty! Best friends!" (Thank you national geographic website for this photo. It's not mine it is completely theirs.)
All I got was a message back saying he hated me. So worth it.
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