If I could talk to spiders...

"Courage is being scared to death...and saddling up anyway."--John Wayne

For reasons such as hairy bodies, way too many eyes, their creepy skulking walk, and the terror they instill in millions of people, I really don't like spiders. They are horrifying on every level to me. Yes I know they are great for the ecosystem and eat bugs I don't want in my house, but do they have to do the following things? Repeatedly?

1. Creep up on me in the shower and make me slip and almost die

2. Hide in places where I will put my hands and not notice them until I am 2mm away from touching them

3. Appear in my bathroom and walk in a hasty manner towards me when I am indisposed on the toilet and unable to move.

4. Show themselves to me right as I am going to bed and then disappear so I have nightmares and constantly think I'm being crawled on by said creepy creature.

5. Stare and unexpectedly launch themselves at me then retreat like it's a game.

For those poor people who know what I am talking about...I'm sorry. For those of you laughing at our pain... go away. It's scary, irrational, and very traumatic.

However, I feel like this could all be changed positively. What if we could talk to spiders? It would be so much better. It would be more like having a super awkward friend that doesn't know how to interact socially instead of a serial killer hanging out in your home.

Here's how I imagine it would go in the above situations.

1. Spider: HEEEEEEEEYYYYYY man I'm glad you turned the shower on I need to rinse off.

Me: WOAH there... this is really a one person job. No offense, but get out.

Spider: How about I just stay in this corner and soak up the steam. I promise I won't be creepy

Me: Okay but can you scoot over? I don't think you want to get swept into the water and drown.

Spider: Thanks for looking out for me. Have a great shower.

See? So much more civilized than the usual " OH &^%^%##$#^&**()(%$#$#%^ SPIDER HOW DO I DROWN IT WITHOUT IT GOING BY MY FEET? Okay I'll just stand on the edges and hope I don't sli.. oh goodness I slipped... where's the spider? Ew it's watching me. What a creep. I hope it doesn't come closer. I don't want to take a shower while watching it the whole time...

2. Me: I'm just going to reach into this bucket to get a sponge to wash my car.. OH GOD what is that?

Spider: Hey there. I'm just guarding the sponges from other bugs you don't like. Sorry if I scared you.

Me: How kind of you! Can you move over to the other sponge so I can use this one? Thanks

Spider: No problem

Me: I hope you catch plenty of food you faithful guardian of sponges. You're awesome.

Instead of this happening I usually scream and run a few feet away, look around for something long enough to smack the spider without fear of it jumping on me or running right at me immediately.

3. Me: Yay! Time to read this magazine

Spider: HEY! How's it going. That looks cool! Can I read it too?

Me: Hey man. Look this is sort of a personal moment in case you didn't notice...

Spider: Woah sorry I had no idea.

Me: No worries. I'll leave the magazine on the floor so you can read it later.

Spider: You're the best human ever.

In reality this is a terrifying event. Being trapped while being vulnerable on a toilet is never graceful or fun. It's humiliating and horrifying. There's never anything adequate to whack a spider with and there is always the fear it will crawl up the toilet and onto you while you're immobile. Putting your feet up and waving a magazine around like a crazy person while spraying febreeze like it's a bug killer is usually the scenario that happens. Inner screaming is common as well.

4. Me: Time for bed! I'm so tired! OH GOD IS THAT A SPIDER? *wide awake*

Spider: Hey! It's okay. I just wanted to escort you to bed. I ate a mean looking bug earlier and wanted to make sure you were safe.

Me: Well I feel like a jerk. It's okay. Hey... where did you go?

Spider: Sorry had to take care of another bug who was acting out. Want a bedtime story?

Me: Yeah that would be great. Thanks for protecting me. Just don't come on my bed...

Spider: No it's cool. That's your space.

This usually goes something like this: SPIDER. WHAT DO I DO. DAAAAAAAAAAD. HELP. HELP HELP HELP. THERE IS A SPIDER. there was a spider... NOOOOOO where did it go? It conveniently reveals itself after every has gone to bed grumpy that I woke them up for an invisible spider.

5. Me: I'm just going to walk down this hallway.. AHH what the heck?

Spider: HEY. Don't come down here it's not safe.

Me: Okay thanks for letting me know, but you didn't have to keep jumping at me. It's scary.

Spider: Sorry, but I know how much you hate cockroaches and there's a massive one over here. My brother is fighting him, but it's getting intense. Stay back.

Me: Alright I will. I appreciate the help.

If we could communicate with the things that terrify us I feel like the world would be a much less scary place. Or we could at least here them coming and voice our fears and angry rants to them instead of looking like we're nuts by jumping around and avoiding spiders and throwing random inanimate objects at tiny creatures that it makes no sense to fear... I'm very guilty of this and I'm sure random people get a good laugh at my expense. It's just like watching people fend of flies coming at their faces or people waving off bees. It looks like they are fighting invisible beings from a distance, but up close they are waging an intense war. Be nice to these people.




PS. This has nothing to do with spiders, but I wanted to share just how dedicated I am to writing this blog. My previous post about things that are acceptable to do as cats, but not as humans is very relevant right now. I am at Will's house again with the night terror herself, Natasha (the cat). She has been "helping" me write this post and just now decided to walk all over my computer as I was typing and then proceeded to EAT my audition lines for a film. She then had the nerve to FART in my FACE and then stare at me until I smelled it. This cat has it out for me...She's still eating my papers...

"When you're scared, when you're hanging on, when life is hurting you, then you're going to see what you're really made of."--Sylvester Stallone

I hope no one is eating and reading this

"I am confident that, in the end, common sense and justice will prevail. I'm an optimist, brought up on the belief that if you wait to the end of the story, you get to see good people live happily ever after." --Cat Stevens

That has to sound much cooler than what happened. I had a very exciting morning of working out, and going to panera to buy lunch. Hopefully you noted the sarcasm... I recently got into a 4 car pile up (not my fault and yes I'm okay) so I've been driving very carefully. Will's house is on a street where the traffic is 55mph. I slowed down gradually to turn into his driveway the way normal people would. Apparently the guy driving the car 2 cars behind me wanted me to drive into the driveway like I was a stunt driver for fast and furious. He slammed on his brakes, which caused the motorcyclist behind me to  slam on his brakes and go into a skid.

Luckily he slid into the ditch in the front yard, was wearing a helmet, and didn't break any bones. All of this happened in about 2 seconds. I look up from picking up my things from the car and see it happen. I immediately ask if he is okay, and tell him to put the bike in my yard and come inside for me to clean him up.

After about 50 "yes ma'am and thank you ma'am" statements I managed to convince him that he was bleeding and hurt enough to need first aid. He apparently hadn't noticed the hole in his knee or the fact that his palm was missing a layer of skin. Luckily I had to learn first aid when I became a scuba dive master. This is one of the few times I've had to use it and I was extremely glad I could at least help a little. Since I didn't have gloves I turned on the faucet for him and made him wash himself off and applied towels to his wounds and neosporin to his superficial wounds. He had scraped off skin on his palm, fingertips, ripped a few nails off, and scraped his elbow quite a bit. Those were all minor so I wasn't concerned. I noticed his knee later and he definitely needed stitches. What did he say in response? "I'll get some superglue and a butterfly bandaid and it'll be fine." All I could do was stare at him with a look of disbelief and didn't push it.

At this point his adrenaline was rushing like crazy and he was sweating. He just gave me a look  of desperation and asked if he could lay on the dining room floor. I couldn't really object so down he went. It was apparently much cooler.

He was having trouble holding all of the towels on his wounds to stop the bleeding and to keep them from getting potentially exposed to infection or dirt. This being a house with 3 navy guys in it I knew there was a slim chance there was a bandaid much less something to bandage him up with. The only reason neosporin was in the house was because Will bashed his head at work and I forced him to put something on it. He complained to much about hydrogen peroxide so I made sure he did something to prevent infection.

By this time I was starving. I'd delayed my lunch by about 30 minutes and anyone who knows me knows that I LOVE lunch...and food in general. I get grumpy when I haven't eaten. So after seeing him was blood and pick bits of skin off himself I causally munched on my sandwich and soup. No I'm not disgusting I'm just really into crime shows and blood and gore don't bother me. Vomit near me and I'll run in the other direction. I hope no one is eating and reading this. Maybe I'll title this post something along those lines so at least I warned you. Anyway, the guy looked at me eating and says "You must be one heck of a weird girl if you can eat after seeing blood."  My reply? "Thank you".

I momentarily turned into a mother and told him that he was not allowed to continue bleeding openly onto paper towels and that I was going to attempt to find a makeshift bandage to hold the towels on to stop the bleeding with applied pressure. What was my choice for bandaging? Saran wrap. Yes I did indeed saran wrap a navy seaman. He left the house on his ride home with a saran wrapped knee, elbow, and palm. Thank you kitchen supplies for moonlighting as first aid materials. When in doubt, improvise! Take another look at the picture to see my handy work.

I've never met a person more grateful for me wrapping him in kitchen materials. He thanked me about a dozen times and when he came back to pick up his bike he thanked Will for me helping him. It's nice to know that although that guy's day was ruined, but I was able to help him. It's even nicer to help someone who was so appreciative and genuinely nice. Good people are still out there :) My good deed for the week has been accomplished!

"In the final analysis, the question of why bad things happen to good people transmutes itself into some very different questions, no longer asking why something happened, but asking how we will respond, what we intend to do now that it happened." --Pierre Tielhard de Chardin

Grown Man vs Bat

"But I love being scared. I think you're brave only when you do things that scare you." --Ginnifer Goodwin

There comes a time in every man's life when he must defend himself against vicious creatures of the wild. Most people expect to find these creatures outside of their homes. The most terrifying and effective creature attacks are ones that come from within our comfort zones. These are particularly effective when coming from your clothes rack as you prepare for bed. This creature, which happens to be a bat, knew this and also knew that this man, we shall call him Bob, was absolutely horrified of bats and would turn into a 5 year old girl when confronted. This is the tale of the epic, but very short lived adventure of the grown man and the bat.

Will and I were casually watching Orange is the New Black because let's face it; it's one of the best shows on tv right now and I may or may not be able to stop watching it. Bob is Will's roommate and has the entire top floor to himself. We hear a massive bang and think okay he dropped something. He then shrieks... and yes I do my shriek. It definitely wasn't a manly yell. Will then gets a phonecall from Bob, but we ignore it. More banging ensues and yelling. We get concerned and answer the next phone call.

It went something like this:

Bob: *sheer panic* THERE. IS. A BAT. A BAT IS IN MY ROOM. OH GOD here it comes. AHHH. Help me. What do I do. How did it get up here???

Me: Uncontrollable laughter
Will: Okay calm down I'm coming.

This is one of those moments where I absolutely hated myself for not grabbing my phone to record the hilarity. We get up to his room and walk in. Bob is crouched behind his bed for cover while holding a t-shirt that he flings when the bat gets close by. This flinging is also accompanied by a girly yell and "oh god... oh god..." By this point the bat is terrified and probably wondering what in the heck is going on. It's flying in a big circle around the room. It tried to fly out the door I was by and I slammed it in its face so we could contain it. Will, unlike Bob, is not terrified of bats. He calmly tried to coax the bat into a pillowcase, but it was too smart for that. He then trapped it inside a laundry hamper.

Bob decided since it was trapped that now would be a good time to come out from behind his bed. He approached the hamper cautiously and began to freak out about getting the bat out of the house.

Here's a fun video that Bob took right before he called Will. This still makes me smile.



Sorry Bob. I know I am exploiting your horror, but you had to have seen this coming.

After Will took the bat outside we went back up to Bob to see how he was coping in his now bat free environment. As we were walking back downstairs I casually threw into the conversation this gem:

Me: "Check your clothes racks for babies. There might be more."

The repeated transition from horror to hate that crossed his face was priceless. It was also completely worth it. We could hear him shuffling through his clothes for 15 minutes before he was convinced I was kidding.

Then because I couldn't help myself I sent him this picture.

With a caption that said "Just think. You could've woken up to this beauty! Best friends!" (Thank you national geographic website for this photo. It's not mine it is completely theirs.)

All I got was a message back saying he hated me. So worth it. 

"As much as they deny it I think people like being scared. It's a phenomenon, why people want to be scared when there is so much violence and craziness in the world. People still really enjoy being scared.  It's a conundrum to me. It's hard to explain. It's an unconscious thing, really, why people like that so much"--Dylan McDermott

Things that are okay to do as a cat, but not as a human

"Cat: a pygmy lion who loves mice, hates dogs, and patronizes human beings." --Oliver Herford

Cats are notorious for doing annoyingly cute things that make us laugh and feel all warm and fuzzy on the inside, but at the same time wonder why we ever adopted them in first place. As those of you who read my blog regularly know that I have had some interesting encounters with cats recently. This time the culprit is named Natasha. She is my boyfriend's (Will) cat. For some reason she thinks it is okay to bang on the door at 5am and run on the bed like a maniac when we are fast asleep in dream land. She's the inspiration for this story. Enjoy :)

Things that are okay to do as a cat, but not as a human being:

1. Bite people when they attempt to give you affection.

Cats are notorious for letting you pet them a specific number of times before they attack your hand. This mystical number changes each petting session and you will never be given any warning.

It's even worse when it happens with people... That would just be horrible.

2. Lick yourself in front of people

How cats can lick themselves for hours I will never know. I do know that it is hilarious to pet them right after they finish. The dirty look like they are calculating how best to murder you without getting their fur dirtier than your hand just made it is priceless.

3. Sit on someone

Cats always find the most awkward way to sit on you right when you are in the middle of reading something or are about to get up. Once they're on you, you're trapped by a purring ball of fur that happens to have retractable claws of fury.

4. Knock over everything on a table for no reason

We've all had it happen. Sometimes it scares us to death when a lamp falls on your face in the middle of the night. Sometimes we think someone is breaking into the house, but it's really the cat parading around knocking your things on the floor while staring you in the eye daring you do stop them. Can you do anything about it? No. Why? Because they're cats.

5. Wake people up at 5am. 

Whether it's the cats making loud noises that makes it sound like a troupe of tap dancing sumo wrestlers are on your roof or right next to you in bed or the melodious screech of cats singing you the song of their people at the top of their lungs there is no denying that they are doing it just to enjoy our reactions. My personal experience with this has not been fun. EVERY SINGLE TIME I spend the night at Will's the cat decides to learn out to play the drums on his closet door and makes a surprisingly loud noise. Guess what time she does this? 3am. Every. Single. Time. Nothing will stop her. She is determined to make sweet sweet music with that door. Only it's not sweet. It's horrifying to wake up to and makes me want to lock her out of the room. Number 6 is what happens as a result of locking her out. I've chosen the lesser of 2 evils... number 5... 

PS I tried to replicate (obviously) the noise Natasha makes on that door... I came nowhere close. She's got some sort of noise making voodoo that she does. 

6. Crying...or should I say meowing outside of doors

I don't know why cats think that because a door is closed that they need to A) beat it down mercilessly because how DARE you shut me out of a room and B) why they have to sit outside the door constantly testing their opera skills in how loud and proud they can meow. For such a small creature they can really make a ridiculous amount of noise. Of course they do this at stupid o clock in the morning when the rest of the world is asleep.

7. Bringing dead animals to you

Now I don't mean the friendly neighborhood "oh hey I went hunting here is a lump of meat for your freezer." I mean the "hey I just killed this with my bare hands and dropped it by your feet. Hope you don't mind the trail of blood and gore I left all over the yard and my fur that I'm about to rub all over your legs and furniture for you to discover later. Enjoy!"

Yes that is my dad holding a dead chipmunk. Don't worry it died of natural causes. The last thing I need is for people to think my dad has a vendetta against cute and cuddly chipmunks. Turns out he found it (dead) on top of a filing cabinet in a blanket where it went to live out its last hours. I guess it got trapped in the garage and well... ended up very flat and lifeless. He came into my room (my Dad not the chipmunk turned zombie) with a goofy grin and pulled that dude from behind his back. Honestly I'm used to dead animals being randomly placed in the house. Mostly in the freezer and occasionally his office, but bringing them into my room as I'm typing a blog was A) a bad choice for him since his story is now global and B) caught me very off guard as my room is generally dead body free...unless it's spiders... then it's a war zone... 

8. Hide/sleep in awkward places

I cannot say how many times I've walked into a room and done a double take because the top of my door or a drawer suddenly grew fur and claws. Unfortunately I can say that I've unknowingly sat down in places where I thought my feet would be safe from attach since there couldn't possibly be space underneath the couch and gotten my feet chewed on. Sometimes discovering a cat in odd places is amusing, other times I'm convinced they are testing your hearts ability to not fail on you just in case they need to know for their future evil master plans. 

9. Sit on computers

Computers are sources of heat therefore cats love them. However, they ALWAYS want to lay on them when you have a particularly urgent matter to attend to on that computer. You know your computer is about to be blitzkrieged when you sense you're being watched. You turn your head and turn back to the computer to realize that the cat has tricked you, is now sitting on your keyboard with your hands trapped underneath the cat, its tail is in your face, AND the cat is looking the cutest/most innocent it has ever looked since being a kitten. It's not fair.

Cats clearly are going to do what they want, when they want, and how they want. Just as clearly, humans cannot do the same things otherwise we would probably be considered nuts. Some people love cats and I am personally a dog person, but cats who don't do the things listed above are alright in my book. I even have a soft spot for Natasha who does ALL of those things... except bringing me dead animals, but I'm convinced that's next and will also be at 3am. Although there is nothing we can do to prevent any of these things I do have some advice. Get a dog.

"Never try to out-stubborn a cat."--Robert A. Heinlein

Did I Really Just Do That?

"Wisdom begins in wonder."--Socrates

For those of you who read my blog this is a semi sequel to "Why dogs will always be better than cats..." For the first time readers out there, I pet sit for one of my best friends, Whitney. She has 2 dogs and a cat that is intent on eating me alive. Whitney usually leaves me a key in a specific area... this time I went to the house the area had been completely removed from the house itself... hence my confusion and slight panic. I was already running late and I MAY have panicked slightly.

Whitney has a house that luckily for me and the dogs has a doggy door. As I walked into the backyard hoping that her neighbors weren't thinking I was robbing the house, I hoped beyond hope that the doggy door had not been locked. This was after I moved every potted plant in the yard looking for a key. Let me tell you, that girl has a lot of potted plants and doormats. It was a robbers nightmare, but lucky for me I wasn't a thief...even though I undoubtedly looked like one.

What did I do next you might be thinking? I committed my first B&E. That's breaking and entering. For the police officers reading this... my friend would've wanted it this way...and she found it amusing. Yes. I did crawl through the doggy door. Yes I was scared half to death as I climbed in and got slightly stuck after coming face to face with the cat who whacked me in the face with its tail then immediately tried to eat my hair. So there I was, on all fours, half stuck in a doggy door, getting my hair eaten by a murderous cat, and my butt getting jumped on and licked by 2 overly excited dogs.

Guess who was told where the key was ahead of time but neglected to read the entire message? This girl. The lesson here folks is always read the entire message unless you want to be locked out of a house when the key is sitting 10 feet away to your unknowing self and have to climb in through a doggy door. Or don't and have an awkward and mildly entertaining story to tell. However, the only thing I regret is not having a really good picture of me climbing through the door...

I realized 2 things. 1 I am crafty and if all else fails I have an absolutely horrible future of crime ahead of me. Just kidding. 2. I feel like most people would resort to something less drastic and weird. 3. because number 1 wasn't real.... I'm proud of myself for going to the gym so much because it would've been awkward to wake up to my friend wondering why I was sleeping on her deck with the dogs.

So I finally got inside and all seemed normal. I was unpacking my bag to get my shower stuff when out of nowhere the cat decides it wants to eat my shirt. Here's picture proof:

Besides this encounter and the doggy door fiasco the cat tried to put up a facade of cuddliness and pretended to enjoy my company. I wasn't fooled, but I played along. The dogs brought loving me to a whole new level. Sleeping on my face was a new obsession of theirs. It wasn't a subtle meandering closer and closer. It was a oh hey! I'm going to walk up to you, look you in the eyes then head butt you and stay that way the rest of the night. That okay with you? I'm going to do it anyway. So that was my night.

My morning was on the same level of WTF. Cicadas had come out in DROVES that night and were buzzing around in the morning like they were preparing for battle. When I was walking the dogs I was constantly bombarded. I called my Dad and what does he tell me? "Put some in a bag and bring them back for me. I want to put them in the freezer."  My response? "....................you're kidding right?"  But I knew better. My Dad has been putting bugs in the freezer ever since I can remember because he likes preserving "cool" ones. We even had dead birds in our freezer at one point. I remember one of my friends coming over and opening the freezer for ice and screamed because a frozen bird was staring her in the face. That's my life ladies and gentlemen.

There I was in the backyard of Whitney's house holding a stick and a ziplock bag trying to coax grumpy cicadas into a bag. I'm sure they knew they were going to a cold death, but they only were going to live another 24 hours ish... If the neighbors hadn't worried about my sanity the night before I'm sure they were making sure their children went no where near me or Whitney's house until I was completely gone.

Yes I got multiple because I'm a good daughter. No not all of them were alive. Yes I had to stick them in my glove compartment because I got freaked out by their buzzing the plastic bag around the passenger seat. Glad I remembered to take them out. Yes it was hysterical and completely worth all of that after hearing my mom yell in horror about bugs in the freezer :)

Anyone else have a weekend to top that on the scale of weird and unfortunate? Didn't think so.

"The greatest pleasure in life is doing what people say you cannot do."--Unknown

Nigel Thornberry and Dora The Explorer

"Live as if you were to die tomorrow. Learn as if you were to live forever."--Mahatma Gandhi

No I am not making any of this up. It's 100% true. I don't know if that's sad or just plain funny. I'm going to go with funny. Now on to the story, here is the completely true, non-exaggerrated story of what happened to me on a nice evening in May.

I was minding my own business, just relaxing and surfing the internet, when my Dad walks into my room. He looks at me and says "Can you come help me outside real quick?" First of all, alarm bells should've been going off in my head as it was almost 7pm. Alarm bells definitely started going off when he poked his head back in to say "just come out and don't ask questions."   My response? Uhhhh.... Ooookay. I got up, put shoes on and headed into the kitchen. I was met by my Dad who handed me these tools:

In my head I was saying "what in the world... you know what... I've been handed weirder objects in my life. Let's see where this goes." Meanwhile my Dad is rummaging around in the garage and comes out with a MASSIVE hard hat that I can only explain as what Dora the Explorer would wear on a construction site.

At this point I really was starting worry what in the world I was going to be doing in my own backyard. Why did I need a pencil with fishing line? What in the world was I going to be doing that involved potentially getting bashed on the head? My confusion was only about to worsen.

Most people have fired a slingshot. If you haven't, you might want to get angry with your parents about how you seriously missed out on an epic part of your childhood. What does a slingshot have to do with this story? Everything my friends. Everything. Don't ask me where he got it, but when I went to walk outside my Dad pulled out a HUGE slingshot the size of my lower leg. I'll upload a picture later for all of those non-believers out there. It was this point in time where A. I wondered what a huge slingshot was doing in the cabinet with laundry detergent. I had a feeling no one in the house had adopted a very brutal way of putting soap in the washing machine or a fun way of transferring clothes from the washer to dryer. B. WHAT IN THE WORLD WAS HAPPENING?

I get outside and walk to an enormous tree in my backyard. My Dad had gotten it into his head that he wanted to take a large branch down so he was going to tie fishing line around it to help yank it down... I was to hold the pencil with the fishing line reel in the middle of it so it could unspool itself. My Dad had tied a heavy metal circle thing to the end of the fishing line and was attempting to propel it over the VERY high branch with his slingshot. The construction hard hat was in case he missed and I got whacked on the head by a circular missile like piece of metal... My Dad had a very fashionable hard hat that looked like it was stolen from Inspector Gadget and he had tried to disguise it as a giant ant transformer. Yes I'm still being completely honest here.

Needless to say this flawless (sarcasm) plan didn't work. The metal thing broke free and landed somewhere in the garden. It being the same color as the dirt was not found. It's still sitting in the garden.

What I didn't witness, but my Mom did... lucky for her... was my Dad's second attempt at removing the limb. He managed to somehow get a rope over the branch and tied it off to his 69 land rover. He wanted to use his new winch sooooo he finally got his chance. My Mom looked out the window one day to see my Dad in the land rover attempting to pull down a tree limb.... only the limb won and the back end of the land rover was in the air.

Aren't you jealous this isn't your family? Well that's my awkward family moment for the day. Stay tuned for more mishaps, adventures, and quirky stories.   Oh and thanks for reading this :) I can't say that enough.

"You are confined only by the walls you build yourself"--

Why Dogs Will Always Be Better (In My Opinion)

"Dreams are true while they last, and do we not live in dreams?" --Alfred Lord Tennyson

This is inspired by my recent encounters with my friend Whitney's cat. I have been pet sitting for her at her house and her cat has made it its mission to annoy, scare, eat, and sabotage me.

My first impression of this cat was that it was cute, fuzzy, and overly friendly. This was a complete ruse, although it can be sweet. It's more cunning and sly than anything. All was well until 2am... When you are sleeping in someone else's house you are much more aware of odd noises, especially at night. Consider this scenario. I was soundly asleep in bed with 2 dogs on either side of me essentially trapping me in covers. The cat was sitting on top of my chest with its face resting on my chin itching my face. I had given up trying to move the cat because she just kept on coming back. Then...at 2am I hear this god awful retching noise. I am woken up abruptly and become very tense. I don't have my contacts in so I'm pretty much blind. The noise stops momentarily so I fall back asleep thinking it was a dream. The cat the repositions itself closer to my face, which captures my attention. I then, with absolute horror, realize what the noise was. The cat had sat up and attempted to throw up ON MY FACE. The only explanation to why it stopped was because I wasn't awake and couldn't see it coming so she stoppped. Then once I was awake and staring it in the eyes (eyes that had become evil) the cat tried to throw up ON MY FACE AGAIN. Now in retrospect I probably could've just swiped it off the bed, but this was my face that was being attacked in a full frontal disgusting assault. I picked the cat up, sat up very quickly in bed and launched the cat out the door and it slid across the kitchen into the kitchen. I promptly closed the door.

You would think that would be the end of my cat woes for the night. No. Of course not. The cat sought revenge. Revenge in the form of noise. At first it was content with banging on the door, which it soon realized I could ignore in my sleep. It resorted to plan B. Meowing in 5 second intervals should be a form of torture and was quite effective. Combine bot of those and you've got a very grumpy Emma at 4am. I let the cat back in and hid myself under pillows and covers to prevent being thrown up on.

I've discovered this cat thoroughly enjoys eating hair ties. I always have at least 3 on my wrist. It is quite disconcerting to all of a sudden have a cat chewing on your wrist with much fervor. What is more disconcerting is the cat jumping on top of the couch and trying to chew your hair tie off of YOUR HEAD. I can only conclude that this cat secretly has it in for me.

While scaring me at 2am might have brought this cat much joy I am convinced that nothing brings it more joy than to invade my private space in the bathroom. It won't follow me around except when I head to the bathroom. It's not content to just rub up against my legs while on the toilet. No, not this cat. It has to try and sit on my lap while I'm doing the deed and digs claws in to my flesh if I try to remove the cat from my personal bubble. What the heck? That's all I can say to that. I have picture proof of this, but no one needs to see that. You'll just have to take my word for it.

" A man who carries a cat by the tail learns something he can learn no other way."--Mark Twain

I'm Just Not Normal

And I'm perfectly okay with that. The people who know me know that I have a tendency to just throw out random thoughts that are usually followed but a combination of awkward pauses, stares, and laughter. Normal people just don't have the kinds of thoughts that I do pop into their heads... or if they do they just don't say them out loud. I'm just going to go ahead and assume I was put on this earth for many reasons, but one of them being comic relief.

My most recent random thought came to me when I was riding in the car with my friend Sarah. We have just started our own greeting card company that caters to anyone and everyone and even businesses.
http://eclecticitygreetingcards.webs.com/
www.facebook.com/eclecticityrva
Yaaaay advertisement. Back to my story. Sarah and I have decided to make our products as eco-friendly as possible. This is how our conversation went:

Sarah: So I've been looking in to eco-friendly ink for our pictures
Me: Good idea. What exactly is eco-friendly ink? Do they go out and squeeze squid or something?
*awkward pause*....*laughter* Why that was the FIRST thing to pop in to my head I will never know. Surely people don't think of scuba divers chasing down squid and scaring them in order to collect ink in little vials in order to print eco-friendly pictures is not the first thing that comes to mind. My brain is a weird place people. At least it's never boring.   I told my friend Will about this conversation and all he could think about was me going around a factory of squid in aquariums where I run at the tanks and the squid yell "ahh you made me ink" just like in Finding Nemo. I'm glad I've found a group of people who all have a mutual sense of weird about us. Besides... scaring massive amounts of squid is the opposite of eco-friendly. Don't do it.

I was driving down the road the other day and I'm not sure why this thought popped in to my head "why don't homeless people migrate south for the winter?"  I was driving past a golf course where rich men wearing bright pants that should have never been worn post-1980s were meandering around hitting little white balls with bent metal sticks. Can you tell I'm a huge fan of golf? It was cold outside so maybe that's where the thought came from. If birds are smart enough to think "Hmm... hey guys it's getting a bit nippy outside. We don't have nifty sweaters or houses with central heating. Let's fly to ohhh let's say Florida? We won't freeze to death there."  Homeless people are pretty much in the same position. IT IS COLD here. Why in the world would they not go somewhere warm? They would get exercise, see the country, and stay warm. 3 positives right there. They should observe geese more closely. Bird watching must not be a huge part of the homeless Virginian population's hobbies.

I am a huge fan of AMC's The Walking Dead. Give me a zombie movie or tv show and I will watch it albeit slightly terrified, but mentally preparing myself... You never know. One thing I've noticed... WHO is so OCD that they are sticking around to mow the lawns during the zombie apocalypse? There are tons of movies and shows that show neatly mowed lawns. The Walking Dead had that issue in season 1, but now everything is thankfully overgrown and jungle-esque, which I appreciate. If you think about it I have a very valid point. The lunatics who think "well if a zombie comes at me I'll just mow them over and then I can continue to make my lawn gorgeous for the tons of neighbors who really care because obviously this is such a valuable aspect of post apocalyptic life"  are the ones who will be eaten first. Darwined out. Food for thought there... but hopefully not zombie food for thought because that's just unfortunate for you.

Now for something entirely different. Am I the only one who accidentally types "me" instead of "my". I do it ALL the time. It always makes me chuckle because when I type I tend to say what I'm typing "out loud" in my head, so I always feel like I sound like either a pirate or an irishman... or an irish pirate. Example: Me brain is a weird place people... totally Irish pirate. I've lost me parrot at the pub--another fine example although not quite as common a saying.

There you have it. All of these random thoughts weaved their way into my brain this week. It's only Thursday. Bring it on life. I love being weird :)

I Can't. I Have Rehearsal

"Acting is behaving truthfully under imaginary circumstances." --Sanford Meisner

I know it has been forever since I last posted. I haven't had as many adventures since I got back from England! Living in Europe was definitely a more adventurous lifestyle!! HOWEVER... as you can probably tell from the title that I've been one busy lady.

I have been cast in Richmond's Vday Production of The Vagina Monologues. When I first told my parents I was auditioning for this they had no idea what it meant. My mom had a look of polite horror something like this:

My Dad was a little more obvious about how he thought that this production was somehow a porn film (it isn't) and had a look of what the %@$& Emma face.

I quickly eased their nerves and averted heart attacks when I told them it was a show that does talk a lot about vaginas, but it's a series of comedic and dramatic monologues about what it's like to have one and also tackles the topic of sexual abuse in order to raise awareness. All in all it is a very inspiring show that really has a powerful affect on the audience. I'm extremely excited to be a part of this and can't wait to help raise awareness in Richmond.

I also was in a short that is being submitted to Sundance and Tribeca about a janitor who works in a hospital and tries to help those around him. Even though the world seems to have forgotten about his existence he tries to make the world a better place by his final act of kindness before his death.   In addition to that I just filmed a short for a student production where I stole a purse, was chased across campus and ultimately arrested. I was surprisingly good at it. Not sure what that says about my bright future, but don't worry world. Your purses and wallets are safe... from me at least. 

So far my acting career has blossomed a bit since returning from my ex patriot adventures and I'm really looking forward to tackling more roles and auditioning for parts!   I'm putting in a filmed monologue that is one of my all time favorites. It's not the best quality due to my camera and I don't have editing skills... yet. But hopefully you will enjoy it!

"Acting is not about being someone different. It's finding the similarity in what is apparently different, then finding myself in there." --Meryl Streep

We Have Lift Off!

"Again, you can't connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards. So you have to trust that the dots will somehow connect in your future. You have to trust in something - your gut, destiny, life, karma, whatever. This approach has never let me down, and it has made all the difference in my life." --Steve Jobs

2013 has had an unexpectedly remarkable start. Personally I think it started New Years Eve as I FINALLY had a date. Ever since I was little New Years Eve either consisted of going to bed and missing it or being essentially a third wheel. I've had good times with the people I was with, but it's a couples' holiday and I was always dateless. This year however I went to Virginia Beach with my ex/best friend Will. I feel like it was the kick start to a new and exciting year. I never thought anything could top my year abroad, but this year is just as exciting for completely different reasons.

I've decided I'm slightly off my rocker this year with goals, but I'm aiming high and I've made myself a promise to always do that. I guess you could say that's my resolution for this year. Here is a little of what I've been up to and part of the reason why it's taken me FOREVER to post again.

Acting!

I've had auditions for local short films, a local feature, 2 musicals, 1 straight play, and landed a job in 3 of those movies and a job as a production assistant. Needless to say I felt like something was finally happening. I've never been more sure that it's what I want to do with my life and I've been trying to tackle it in every way possible. I'm still searching for an agent, but it's a work in progress! I haven't heard back about a few things, but I'm hopeful that I will get something. If not, then it's on to the next audition. No matter what though I am going to take this industry by storm. You can count on that. I've never been more determined in my life.

Adventure!

You can take the girl out of the adventure, but you can't take the adventure out of the girl. After spending the entirety of my time living abroad and pretty much living my dream life of exploring foreign countries and cultures I get to go on another adventure! Where am I plunking myself down this time? MALTA! For those of you who don't know it's an island in the Mediterranean near Sicily. Its culture is a mix of almost every Mediterranean culture as it has been invaded by most. It is also extremely colorful and has some of the best scuba diving sites in the world. I was accepted into a field school there for Anthropology and I will undertake a project there where I'm combining terrestrial and underwater photography to capture the culture of the island. I'll be spending 3 weeks there and I can't even wait.

(I do not own this photo)

I work at a dive shop called Atlantis Divers and they have planned an adventure scuba trip to Costa Rica. One of my best friends of all time, Ellie, has been scuba certified for 2 years and we haven't had a chance to dive together yet. Now we will in South America :) It is 4 days of diving supplemented with ATV trips in the jungle, a hike in the national forest, zip lining in the jungle, horseback riding, and white water rafting. Needless to say it is the perfect trip for me and I'm so happy Ellie is going to be sharing this adventure with me.

(I do not own this photo)

I've also been slightly obsessed with Ben Fogle's books. Particularly The Accidental Adventurer and The Accidental Naturalist. I know my parents will be horrified at my plans, but he's just inspired me to push myself to new limits and go out there and make a difference in the world. I've particularly developed a secret love for Africa and am dying to head out there on a conservation project of some kind, but that's for later on.

Fitness!

I'm probably one of the most active people I know, which is surprising since I used to be quite chubby and one of the laziest people I knew. I go to the gym every day and am always looking for something active and fun to try. This year I'm challenging myself with marathons. Not the ridiculous 28 mile ones. I'm nowhere near that level since I might be the world's slowest runner. Not even exaggerating. I get bored really easily with running. The memes online like this:

I've taken up a form of racing that people would probably think I'm even more insane for doing. It's obstacle marathon racing. I get extremely bored if I run the same boring routes over and over. Jogging in a straight line just seems boring to me. But throw in pits of doom and rock walls to climb and mud pits to slither through and I'm golden. I will tackle it like there's no tomorrow. SO that's what I'm going to do. That being said I am taking part in a regular ole 10K called the Monument Avenue 10k. I'm super excited and it's for charity. The next one I'm doing is called Color Me Rad, which is a 5k where color balloons are thrown at you every few minutes and you end up coming out of the race looking like Alice's Wonderland threw up on you. I can't wait. Someone clean is going to get a VERY big hug :)  I have also decided to compete in a Rugged Maniac, which is the obstacle course 5k. Training is so much more achievable in my opinion when you have crazy goals ahead of you. I've already started training and I'm loving it.

All in all this year has been ridiculously amazing. It hasn't even been an entire month and I can't wait to see what's in store for the rest of the year. I feel like I've accomplished so much already in such a short time. My career finally seems like it has potential and I've got ideas in the works for how I can take on the world by storm. Watch out people. If you haven't heard of me already for one thing or another, I can promise you that you will soon :)

"Let us be about setting high standards for life, love, creativity, and wisdom. If our expectations in these areas are low, we are not likely to experience wellness. Setting high standards makes every day and every decade worth looking forward to." --Greg Anderson