Doggie Day Trip to DC

"If your dog doesn't like someone, you probably shouldn't either."--Unknown

My boyfriend, Will, and I LOVE our puppy, Atlas. He is a border collie mix we rescued from the shelter and fell in love with at first sight. We try to take him everywhere we can since he loves being with us at all times, loves exploring new places and meeting new people and fellow fluffballs.

The perfect opportunity arose when we were asked to house sit for my friend who lives in DC. Will and I decided to have as dog friendly a weekend as we could possibly have. Our first stop was the National Mall. We walked about 4 miles starting at the Smithsonian Castle. Atlas got his first taste of DC when we stopped there to fill up water bottles. A field trip was in full swing and of course everyone HAD to stop and give Atlas some much appreciated pets. We were off to a great start to our morning.

As we made our way past the Washington monument we made sure to take lots of pictures of Atlas having a complete blast. He got to meet several dogs of all sizes and species who were enjoying a day out on the town themselves. We then stopped for a quick lunch of sandwiches and may or may not have shared some with Atlas too. :-)

After a brief rest we were off again! Atlas was born for walkies so we didn't get to have much rest before he decided it was time to go exploring again. We were lucky enough to walk through the WWII memorial while several veterans were being honored. Will had just gotten out of the Navy so it was really neat for us to see this happen while we were standing there enjoying the beautiful memorial.The Vietnam memorial was extremely crowded and we didn't want Atlas to get overwhelmed or jump on anyone (he's still very much a puppy) so we decided to take the path less travelled through some trees and enjoy the shade.

Our last stop, and our favorite was the Lincoln Memorial.For some strange reason, Atlas HATES baths with a fiery passion and also doesn't particularly enjoy pools. BUT he will jump right in dirty rivers and the ocean. He hates crystal clear, clean water, but will swim until we have to drag him from the water when it's dirty and he can't see through it. He's weird.

That being said, Atlas REALLY wanted to chase the ducks floating in the reflecting pool, which of course was filthy...thankfully we were paying attention and he didn't manage to get anywhere near it.By far our favorite event of that weekend included the Lincoln Memorial. I'm guessing very few dogs have ever actually made it up all of those steps and into the actual memorial itself. Atlas is one of those few dogs who can proudly say he's met Abraham Lincoln. Will and I really wanted to get a picture of Atlas with the statue of Abraham Lincoln, but we doubted he would be allowed to walk around in there even on a leash. Did that deter us? Not one bit. America was built upon rebellion, why not us?Our solution was to carry our then 45b puppy up over 50 steps and to hold him in front of the memorial so we could say we'd done it. Take a took at the pictures. They are pretty priceless and well worth the effort.

After our small adventure we walked back along the mall and just enjoyed ourselves and the warm weather. DC has so many dog friendly areas and hiking trails most people have never even heard of. Most people only think of the city itself, which doesn't scream "bring your dogs!" If you ever get a chance to visit and you have dogs make sure to bring them! The National Mall has plenty of outdoor sites to see that you can easily spend a day doing. Many restaurants in the area have outdoor seating that allow dogs. The trails running all over DC have beautiful trails boasting waterfalls, small rapids, and just plain beautiful scenery that will make you forget you're in a massive city. The best part? You can bring your best doggie friend.Now on to planning our next dog friendly adventure!

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on a glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden, where doing nothing was not boring--it was peace. "--Milan Kundera

Tour of Richmond: A Sequel!

RIchmond's Gran Fondo aka Tour of Richmond has been going on for quite a few years. It is a cycle race that occurs annually and has several different options depending on experience level. You can do a 29, 59, 79, or 101 mile race!

This year we were set to start and finish our race at the Raceway Complex where several Nascar races occur. My boyfriend, Will, and I decided to enter into the 59 mile race. The previous year I made the mistake of doing the entire race on a mountain bike. Due to the tires gripping the road more my legs felt like they were falling off halfway through the race and by the end of it I wasn't sure I still had legs at all, but I had an absolute blast.

That's exactly why I wanted to do it again and even convinced my boyfriend to do it with me. This year we were smart and bought road bikes, which was a fantastic decision that my legs greatly appreciated. Here's a breakdown of how the race went for both of us.

Mile 1: Holy crap I'm excited! Are you excited babe? Yeah? Sweet I'm already passing people.

Mile 3: Is that a UNICYCLE? That person has balls of steel. Those hills are massive...I hope they don't die.

Mile 5: Feeling pretty great. Hey everyone! Looking good! We've got this!

Mile 10: I feel pretty good. Yes! A pit stop. Time to fuel up.

Mile 15: Still feeling good. Just humming along and enjoying the scenery

Mile 20: Phew these hills just keep on coming don't they? I'm glad they had a lot of food at this rest stop. Hey babe, let's sit here a few minutes.

Mile 25: HOLY CRAP I HATE YOU WIND. Why is the wind coming straight at us at 25mph? Yes I looked up the wind gust rate. I feel like my legs are made of jello and the wind is my worst enemy.

Mile 30: If I could murder wind I would go postal right now. Legs? What legs? This added resistance is insane. WHY is there a huge hill right here? Isn't the wind enough?

Mile 31: Remember, I wanted to do this. I wanted to do this. This is fun. This is fun. This is ...

Mile 35: Dear lord where is the REST STOP. Babe did we somehow pass it? Is this a cruel joke? Have my legs fallen off? Why didn't we pack snacks? Maybe the stop is around this corner?

Mile 36: Maybe the rest area is just up this hill?

Mile 37: Whoever designed this course is evil.

Mile 38: I love biking. I love biking. This is fun. (Said through gritted teeth)

Mile 39: I can do this. I can do this. Hey fellow biker and fellow comrade in fitness and leg numbness. WE CAN DO THIS. Any idea where the rest area is?

Mile 40: HALLELUJAH! Rest area. La la la la di dah rest area. Let's eat. And sit. Sitting it great. Ow my butt is sore. Oh well I asked for it. Maybe we should ride standing up? No my legs wouldn't like that either. YUM sustenance! Man I feel much better. We are so close! Let's pack snacks because....let's not forget what happened last time.

Mile 45: Cruising along, enjoying the adventure and scenery.

Mile 46: Did a 70 year old man just pass me like I was standing still? Yep. Maybe I should kick it up a notch.

Mile 50: ALMOST THERE. I can feel it in my bones!...minus the ones in my legs.

Mile 52: Any minute now.

Mile 54: Everyone let's get excited! We have come so far!

Mile 57: WOW they really had to put the biggest hill of all right at the very end at the entrance to the finisher's lap. Jerks.

Mile 57.5: That wasn't as bad as I thought. Okay I can see the raceway complex! Getting PUMPED

Finisher's lap: HECK YES WE DID IT! Oh hey smile for the camera! We did it! We did it!


In a nutshell, the race is physically and mentally challenging no matter which stage you do. Always, always, always prepare for all aspects and bring lots of water and snacks. This is such a well-planned event and I've never had anything, but great things to say about it. I can't wait to do it next year!

As a side note they have road support, medics on standby, DELICIOUS meals for everyone at the end (for free), quality medals, fun t-shirts that you will actually want to wear, maintenance crews for your bikes at the beginning and end, and booths that sell fun race items. There was even a band at the end! I highly, HIGHLY recommend this race.

A Journey To The Desert!

 “When you travel, remember that a foreign country is not designed to make you comfortable. It is designed to make its own people comfortable.” –Clifton Fadiman

Will is from the beautiful desert/mountainous city of Albuquerque, New Mexico. He lived there for several years before his family relocated to Virginia Beach. His grandparents still live there and we had planned a trip to visit them over Christmas this year. Our flights were booked, Atlas had a sleepover planned at Will's mom's house so he could play with the pit bulls, and we had everything planned that we wanted to see!

Now we had to wait a month for our flights. Luckily time flew by. Next thing we know it's already Christmas Eve! We dropped our fluffy child/dog at Will's Mom's house so he could have a weekend of play time with the pit bulls, small children, and get some snuggle time in. We made it to the airport nice and early because we thought we would have to battle the masses of people flying out on Christmas Eve. However, we were pleasantly surprised that the airport was near empty! We breezed through security in under 5 minutes, which I'm sure most of you are jealous of that time.

Now we had to figure out how to kill a little under 2 hours in the airport. We ended up sitting at the bar having a refreshing drink and delicious dinner! By the time we finished eating we were pleasantly full and went to our gate to relax, read, and people watch.

Our flights were pretty uneventful and by that I mean we both passed out and I actually had a pillow aka Will's shoulder. We arrived in Albuqerque at 1130 after both of our flights were delayed, but it wasn't a big deal.

Before we left, everyone, and I mean everyone, in Will's family warned me that I was going to be EXTREMELY well fed while I was there and that his grandparents would try to feed me at every chance they got. They weren't kidding. Almost every decorative bowl in the house was filled with candies, chocolates, and other goodies. Every drawer either held cooking utensils or more food. Their pantry looked something like a bomb shelter supply that could last 50 people several years.

When we arrived at their house both adorable grandparents greeted us and of course offered us food. We politely declined and went to sleep almost immediately. In the morning, breakfast was promptly served and this the feasting began! Christmas day was off to a delicious start! Since we had just gotten there and Will hadn't seen his grandparents in a few years we decided to have a lazy day and just spend it with his family opening presents, talking, and watching movies. And of course, we had a FEAST that night!

The second full day consisted of driving around town, seeing where Will used to live, taking in the sights of the desert, and going to Old Town Albuquerque, which had lots and lots of stores that boasted handmade items, Native American pottery and other makes. It was really neat to explore all of the stores with nothing but handmade Native American crafts. As an anthropologist I loved seeing the drastic and sometimes subtle differences between the pottery and jewelry of different tribes.

One thing that I really loved about Albuquerque was the openness of the terrain. There were tons of mountains that you could always see in the distance, but there was also very flat desert all around you as well. It was completely different, as you'd expect, from the East Coast and I really enjoyed it. It was a very refreshing feeling.

The next day we were supposed to go skiing in Santa Fe. I was beyond excited because I had never been skiing before and the mountains were phenomenal looking. Plus I wanted to get some really neat action pictures for my portfolio. However, life had a different plan for my Christmas vacation...

First of all, I get sick about once every 2 years. Nothing in between, but maybe a small cold. I guess my 2 year sickness interval was up and of course it had to come while I was on vacation the NIGHT BEFORE the day trip I was looking forward to most. I was lucky enough to somehow get norovirus...I got it once before on a cruise and let me tell you it is no picnic. I don't want to get too graphic, but it is essentially like throwing up out of both ends, continuously for 8 hours straight...

My wonderful boyfriend should get an award for picking me up off the bathroom floor and carrying me to bed every few hours. I felt a little better by the morning, and by that I mean I could drink water and keep it down. I decided that I would come with the guys (Will and his brother, Nick) to the ski lodge and just rest there in hopes that I would be able to ski later. In reality, I just slept all day on a table and some chairs in a corner. It was a huge disappointment that I couldn't ski there, but I'm glad I got to see the mountains and that Will had fun day of skiing. The only upside to this part of the story was that I lost all the weight I had gained by eating until I couldn't move for a few days straight. Not that I would ever condone losing weight this way..ever. I'm just looking on the bright side.

We spent our last night there enjoying spending time with his family, playing scrabble, relaxing, and of course eating. We had a very nice trip minus the illness setback. We decided we will have to go back soon so we can add more adventure to our New Mexican repertoire!   I did get to see tumbleweeds and a road runner so I can call it a success ;-)    I've always wanted to see both of those and I finally got to! (Nick and Will did a bunch of eye rolling when I got so excited over them)

All in all, New Mexico was a great success and I finally got to meet that side of Will's family. It was also my first time to the West coast and I absolutely enjoyed myself. If you ever get the chance to go I would definitely recommend it. It was very picturesque and had a homey feel to it even though it was such a big city.

“Adventure is a path. Real adventure – self-determined, self-motivated, often risky – forces you to have firsthand encounters with the world. The world the way it is, not the way you imagine it. Your body will collide with the earth and you will bear witness. In this way you will be compelled to grapple with the limitless kindness and bottomless cruelty of humankind – and perhaps realize that you yourself are capable of both. This will change you. Nothing will ever again be black-and-white.” – Mark Jenkins

Sleeping Under The Whale

"A museum is a place where one should lose one's head." --Renzo Piano


Several weeks ago my boyfriend's, Will, mom (Bridget)  surprised us with overnight tickets to none other than the Night At The Museum! Yes, the first thing that popped into my head was the movie and visions of myself running amok with a t-rex and an Easter Island head while saving the world in one night. While my night was fantastic and full of wonder, it wasn't quite that epic. She had snagged tickets to the night at the museum event for kids and adults on Halloween of all nights!

I'm getting ahead of myself. We live in Virginia Beach. New York City's American Museum of Natural History is a 7 hour drive. Yes. We drove a total of 14 hours in 2 days. Yes, it was worth it. Will and I hopped into the car armed with music, games, and excitement! After being in the car for 2 hours we were already ready to get out of the car. Luckily at hour 4 we stopped for lunch at a cute diner and were able to ease the sense of cabin fever. Both Will and I are very active people so being stuck in a car together just builds up dormant energy waiting to be released in a nuclear type of way. Needless to say by the time we reached the city we were ready to get out of the car.

Life had a different idea for us. Our gps maps app on our phones took us to the heart of Brooklyn instead of NYC. We had a fantastic car tour of Brooklyn where we realized that it has a population consisting of 99.9% Jewish community. It was odd to look around and expect to find typical New Yorkers and find adults and children alike in suits, ties, dresses, and yamakas. While it is typical to accidentally end up in China town or Little Italy while in New York, ending up in Little Israel while unexpected, but quite delightful! It was by far the cleanest part of NY we had ever seen as well as a very unstressful drive.

We finally found the museum and descended to the depths of the parking garage that lies beneath the museum. After being ushered into the building sleeping bags in hand we were assigned our cots. WE WERE SLEEPING IN THE OCEAN LIFE HALL. UNDER THE WHALE.  Now I'm a scuba diver and have always loved the water. Not to mention the fact that I get giddy when talking about sharks, so you can imagine how happy I was to be sleeping in an aquarium of sorts.

Lots and lots of events were planned although many were geared more towards the kids. All of us, Will, Bridget and I, set off to explore! First stop was the insect hall! We got to see, but unfortunately not touch lots of creepy crawlies like tarantulas. They had some pretty neat replicas of ancient mosquitos and other giant insects from the past.

My favorite part of exploring was the Halloween themed trek through the dinosaur hall. The lights were deliberately turned off and the fossils were lit up by multi colored lights to give an eerie glow to the dinosaurs. The dinosaur halls have always been my favorite part of any museum, so to explore one in a new way was quite the adventure for me!

After visiting the dinosaur hall we headed to the featured Pterosaur exhibit. A pterosaur is a dinosaur of flight of varying sizes. They had tons of super detailed fossils, which were really neat to look at. My favorite part was by far the interactive zone. You got to stand on a simulator and act like you were flying and your movements were projected on to a screen as a pterosaur hunting for fish. I was AWFUL at it, but I eventually caught a fish! I would have no doubt been Darwined out way back when and died of starvation, but luckily I'm a Homo sapien. Moving on.

At this point we realized we were way older than we thought because we were 100% exhausted and it was only 10pm. We tried to sit through Hotel Transylvania playing in the Imax theater, but started to drift off before the movie even started. On our walk back to our cots we realized that we weren't quite as ancient as the parents there. You could tell who had more kids by the level of defeated looks and hopeless looks in their eyes as you could tell all they wanted to do was convince their kids it would be fun to take a nap, but they knew that was about as fruitless as training a fish to climb a tree.

We made a sort of sport watching the Dads try to herd their kids to bed around 1130 while we were laying in bed nice and cozy and warm without screaming kids to bother us! Notice I said Dads. You know all of the wives suckered their husbands into a night at the museum convincing them it would be easy while they had a night off and drank wine and laughed with their friends at what they thought their husbands were going through.

Our only regret was that we could not find the King Tut exhibit. Our theory is that it was on tour when we were there. Obviously this means we have to go back and see it! One thing I almost forgot. There were over 400 people in the museum that night, but we never felt crowded. More often than not we found ourselves the only people in several of the halls. With free reign of the entire museum we expected to be jostled around like during the day. We were pleasantly surprised to find that we could casually explore and stop at our leisure without feeling like we were being pressured to move. That was one of our favorite parts of the entire visit. A thing such as that is rare in today's world.

Although our time in NYC was very short and jam packed with non-stop action and exploring we were ready to go home. Sayonara NYC! Hopefully we will see you again soon for a more relaxing, but adventurous vacation!

"A painting in a museum hears more ridiculous opinions than anything else in the world." --Edmond de Goncourt

Batten Down The Hatches

"Maybe your weird is my normal? Who's to say?"-Nicki Minaj

As many of my followers know, I have had my fair share of poop stories. Until last Wednesday, these were strictly animal stories. I will now share my first (and hopefully last) human poop horror/humor story.

One of my day jobs I currently have involves teaching Zumba at several gyms. My all time favorite class to teach is my Wednesday night class at a gym that will remain nameless. The members are rambunctious, hilarious, and ready to WORK. I've been told my classes are the hardest/best workout money can buy and I really pride myself in that. I always make sure to have low and high impact options so anyone from 8 years old to 80 years old can come away and feel like they really exercised, challenged themselves, but were safe in the way they went about it. Zumba is so great because it really feels like you are having a little party, acting like a fool, and best of all it doesn't feel like a workout that you have to convince yourself you can finish and hope you don't pass out.

Yes my classes are hard, but that's why we're at the gym. To make changes and get in shape! I had a special "Kick Butt Thanksgiving Zumba Extravaganza" complete with new songs, lots and lots of sweating in preparation for the 800 cookies, pies, turkeys, potatoes, etc that we would eat the next day. I even had handmade door prizes that I had crafted myself. You can check them out here if you want: www.etsy.com/shop.eclecticgreetings

Little did I know it would go horribly wrong and I wouldn't even know that it made a turn for the worst until Thanksgiving itself.

Thanksgiving morning went really well. My boyfriend, Will and I ran a 10k and finished in a little over an hour. There was a light drizzle, but it felt AMAZING since we were ridiculously warm from not running that far in a long time. We then went home and cooked cream cheese and bacon stuffed poblano peppers and a green bean casserole. Then we made the trek, with our pup Atlas of course, to NC where Will's mom lives to eat all of the delicious food she had made. We were beyond stuffed by the time we made it home. Everyone in the house: cats, dog, and boyfriend were asleep within minutes of sitting down. I curled up with the 5th Game of Thrones book and just relaxed.

We decided to go to Target around 9 so we would miss the massive crowds and still get to shop around for some great deals. Little did I know my entire day would be changed as I walked out of the game section towards the pet section.

I ran into Chris who takes my Wednesday night class and he is super energetic with a fun personality. He is the one who informed me about the "incident". After saying hi and making small talk he leans in and in a hushed voice asks me "Do you know that someone pooped in your Zumba class yesterday?"

First of all, this is not the normal conversation topic I was expecting. Secondly, my brain had trouble processing that information. Thirdly, WHAT THE F@$&?????  I was disgusted, confused, slightly amused, intrigued, disgusted again, horrified, and most of all the feeling of "no...that couldn't have happened."

But happen it did. I was 100% oblivious...not that I would have known what in the world to do if I happened to see someone poo on the floor accidentally. Let's give you some more detail. No not about the poo you weirdo, about the situation.

I had 20 people in class that night and the "perpetrator" was in the back of the class according to witnesses and hear sayers. I always teach at the front and am looking around the room constantly to check form. It never occurred to me to check the floor for rogue bowel movements. A mother and daughter duo are usually at the back almost every class and they had apparently witnessed it happen, but were too confused or horrified to do something about it, which is very reasonable. Many in the class wrote it off as "oh, there's dirt right there".

What horrifies and confuses me the most is the next few facts. 1. She pooped in the middle of a crowded room and knew it happened. 2. She didn't casually excuse herself to clean up the mess on the floor and undoubtedly elsewhere on her person. 3. A WHOLE OTHER CLASS happened in that same room right after and everyone thought it was dirt. 4. She never CLEANED IT UP.    I can forgive someone for pooping on the floor if they have bowel issues. That can't be helped, but preventative measures should be taken like an adult diaper, etc. Not to clean is up is rude, unsanitary, and a slipping hazard to name barely a few of the risks without mentioning how gross the whole situation is.

I'm not the sort of person who focuses on the negative, but I had no previous socially acceptable reaction in my arsenal in which to pull from to figure out how in the heck you respond to something like that.

In short, if you have to poop, go to the bathroom immediately. Poop waits for no mortal being and it means smelly business. If you do poop accidentally, nonchalantly play it off as it being dirt on the floor and blame it on a muddy dog you may or may not have and excuse yourself and get the proper cleaning tools. That's humiliation free and won't wound any pride, plus it prevents blog posts such as these from unsuspecting Zumba instructors who never see that situation coming.

All in all, I exercised the shit out of someone. Literally. I still have no idea how to feel about that. Holy crap. Pun intended.

"The only thing worse than it raining after you wash your car, is having to poop right after you get out of the shower."--Unknown

I Am the Goat Whisperer

"Between two evils I always pick the one I never tried before"--Mae West

If you have read my previous posts about sheep, cows, monkeys, elephants, etc you will undoubtedly know that I have extremely odd experiences with animals. Most of the time I'm getting punched, spit on, bitten, chased, and much much more. Sheep and cows have all gotten together and made a pact to convince me they are out to get me. It's working. Read my previous posts to see why. You'll understand I promise. 

This time mother nature decided to throw me a curve ball. I live in Virginia Beach. Now most of you will have just pictured sandy beaches, rolling waves, a nice cold drink in your hand and a good book. That's oceanfront. That's not where I live. I live in a house that sits on 2 acres of land in pretty much the middle of nowhere. If it rains my yard turns into a giant swamp. I wish I was joking. We had light rain for about an hour and most of my yard had ankle deep standing water. Ohhhh the perks of living where the water table is at ground level. Moving on. There are several people who own horses, llamas, goats, and pigs. Some are even for sale. 

My boyfriend and I were driving home and drove past a home that happened to sell goats and pigs. These goats are not just your average goats. They are escape artists and dare devils. If you're looking to rob a bank and not get caught then these are the goats for you. The house sits on a semi busy road. On the other side of the road, across from the house, are woods and a huge ditch. For the past few weeks there has been a plastic bag that has gotten itself stuck on a branch and wafts in the wind.   My guess is that these escape artist goats saw that bag waving itself around invitingly and decided to break out of their pen and go get a late night snack. 

This is the only picture of a goat I have. He's even trying to escape so it's pretty perfect. 

The herd of 5 goats ranging in size from behemoth to aww is that a dog? Oh wow no that's a weird looking goat, made it across the street and were happily chewing away at the bag. Will and I came around the corner and being me I yelled HOLY CRAP GOATS! We pulled into the driveway and I was awkwardly excited. For some weird reason I felt that this was going to be awesome. I sent Will to ring the doorbell and tell the owners that their goats had gone on a food raid and were running amuck. 

What did I do? I ran to the end of the driveway and my brain said "herd them Emma. How could this possibly go wrong?"  All I could think about was getting chased like the sheep, but I still can't explain why I was so dang happy about getting to herd some goats. Maybe I was a nomad in my past life who rescued goats from warring tribes. I doubt that has ever happened in life, but that's where my brain just went so let's just go along with it for the sake of the story. I was at the end of the driveway and the thought suddenly struck me. "How in the HECK do you get goats to turn away from a delicious plastic bag, follow you across the street while not getting hit by cars?"

My answer? "1. I'm super happy there is no traffic right now. 2. Heeeeere goat goat goat. Come here goat goat goat. Oh hey you pretty goat. Come here!"    Will was standing by the owners' door just looking at me like I was insane. Meanwhile I was grinning like an idiot because the goats had decided to follow me. I yelled things to Will like " Baaabe I'm a goat whisperer. They love me! Master goat herder over here. Babe tell world you're dating a goat herding extraordinaire."  He wasn't as amused as I was.

In the end I coaxed the goats back to their pen, which may I add was a good 300 feet away. I was concerned at one point that they were going to try to nibble me, but my goat whispering aura must have deterred that. Every time we pass that house I yell goat goat goat! The first few times it made Will slam on the brakes and get angry at me because he thought I saw another goat in the road. It's times like these that make me love my crazy life. You just can't make this stuff up!

"I always wanted to be somebody, but not I realize I should have been more specific"--Lily Tomlin

Dog Owners Say the Darndest Things

"Dogs are our link to paradise. They don't know evil or jealousy or discontent. To sit with a dog on a hillside on  glorious afternoon is to be back in Eden. Where doing nothing was not boring..it was peace."--Milan Kundera

Owning a pet does something to peoples' brains... or at least mine. Pets, especially dogs, become tiny, much more well behaved, less annoying, and adorable beyond belief children. I've realized that over the past few months of having a dog I've said some of the weirdest phrases anyone can imagine. If my house was bugged by a government agency I have a feeling that I will be on the "best of" soundtrack at their Christmas party where they just sit around and laugh at all the people having weird conversations. I know mine is up there in the weirdness factor and I'm completely fine with that.

Here's a timeline of my adoption story:

Sept 2013: I'm getting a dog when I move out of my parent's house!
Oct 2013: Man I want a dog. I'll go play with my friend's dog.
Nov 2013: I moved out. I CAN GET A DOG!!!!
Mid Nov: *Grumpy* I don't want to wait until after Christmas for a dog. My boyfriend is plotting against me.
3/4 thru Nov: I'm going to EXPLODE. I've been searching every website possible for a dog and we STILL haven't gone out to meet any.
Early Dec: dog dog dog dog dog dog, dog websites, dog pictures, dog videos
Mid Dec: WHY isn't Christmas over with yet?
Dec 25: Christmas would've been better with a dog right now.
Dec 26th, 10am: I've finally annoyed my boyfriend to the point where we can go look for one!! Va Beach SPCA here we come!
Dec 26 11am: I found the fattest ball of adorable fluff! Boyfriend really wants him. Can't. Stop. Snuggling
Dec 27th: WHY is Monday taking so long!!!!???? I want him home with us!!!
Dec 28th: Best. Day. Ever. Little man is home with us!

This is what he looked like when we got him! 8lbs and 8 weeks old!

Atlas is now 5 months and 1 week old and weighs 28lbs. Here's he is today!

Atlas and Will on the day he graduated puppy training!

Alrighty. That's enough back story for now. Over the past few months I've made a list of the weird things I've found myself saying not once, but multiple times. Just when I thought I couldn't get any weirder, life laughed at me and gave me quite possibly the only dog as weird as I am. I hope you enjoy laughing at these/me as much as I have.

Atlas had a problem with fleas biting his butt, however we couldn't do anything about it because the way flea medicine works is you have to get bitten so the fleas ingest the toxic stuff and then die. So you're left with several really itchy bumps. For about a month Atlas would viciously attack his butt and
chew on it non stop unless you dragged his head away. Waking up to a dog on your pillow with you is sweet. Waking up to your dog sitting on you pillow with his butt propped up against your face so he can get better leverage for chewing on it is not so sweet... After a few nights of this I called the vet and they said I could put anti itch cream on him. This in theory sounds easy. Holding my dog still for any time over .1 seconds is not. Will had to pick him up and get him in a bear hug. However, my dog has a massive butt. He can wiggle that thing around even when you hold him down. For those of you who have never put anti itch cream in the buttocks area of your dog, consider yourselves lucky. Yelling "HOLD STILL I need to rub this cream on your butt" at the top of your lungs is not effective. I got the cream on the spots he needed it and on a bunch of other places...like his stomach, my face, my hair,  my boyfriend's arm, the table, the chair, and who knows where else.

Atlas hates the bath. He LOVES the bathroom and will always want to hang out and stare at you no matter what you're doing in there. He will even hang over the edge of the bathtub to watch you shower. However, the second it is his turn to get in...all hell breaks loose. First he looks at you with a look that can only say "Sh*t that bath isn't for me right?" Then comes the "NOOOOOOOOOOOOO you don't love me. Don't put me in there. I'll never roll my face in deer poop again" (yes that actually happened...twice). Shortly after that comes the immobilizing terror when we start to get him wet. He continues to try and crawl out of the tub, cry, scream, and shake. We have no idea why he gets so upset, but it's pretty much a universal dog theme. I've found myself saying "Yes I know. That bath is murdering you. You're melting. I'm a horrible person for getting you clean." I'm pretty sure most people don't say that to their children... much less their pets.

Atlas LOVES socks and underwear. He loves eating them more than anything. Doing laundry is a nightmare. He is constantly running off with random pieces of clothing and drooling as much as he possibly can on them. I've gotten socks and underwear back that are so soaked with dog spit that I have to wash them again. I've run after him yelling "PUT DOWN MY UNDERWEAR RIGHT NOW YOUNG MAN. SPIT MY UNDERWEAR OUT NOW." Just a typical laundry day!

I caught him like this after turning around to fold something. 

stop licking my lotion off, thanks for licking all the shower water off me. this towel was useless.
Whenever I take a shower Atlas insists on being in the bathroom. If he doesn't stare at me the entire time he waits for me to get out of the shower and starts licking off the water from my feet and calves. This is a typical conversation:

Atlas: Wow you're soaking wet. Here let me help you dry off. *licks feet*
Me: Yes thank you. I've got this towel here, but it was obviously useless....

If I put lotion on this is what happens:

Atlas: YUM puppy candy!
Me: No. Stop it! Stop licking all of my lotion off
Atlas: *Stares at me with his tongue out*   Here's a similar picture:

Me: Don't look at me like I'm taking your favorite toy away from you...

Most people say "get off the table" to cats. My weirdo dog likes to stand on coffee tables. ALL THE TIME. Here's proof:

"DEER POOP IS NOT FOR PUPPIES. DON'T EVEN THINK ABOUT ROLLING YOUR FACE IN IT. GET YOUR FACE AWAY FROM THAT. NOOOOOOOOO"
I was working on an archaeological site that had a ridiculous amount of deer poop. I got to take Atlas and he had the time of his life running around in the woods. Unfortunately that meant he discovered deer poop for the first time. His first instinct was to rub his face in a giant pile. Of course that was the day I had to have him sit in my lap on the 45 drive back to my parent's house (my dad was driving). He kept trying to snuggle me with his face and I kept trying to keep him at arm's length so I wouldn't get poop on me. My Dad had a grand time laughing at me the whole way home.

Atlas really likes to punch things. He swings his paw up and smacks it down usually on someone's face. He's playing and it's oddly cute to me, but it hurts. My cat used to beat him up when he was smaller than she was so he would know who was boss and wouldn't eat her later on. Lately, he has really enjoyed returning the favor by going up to her when she's sleeping or relaxing and step on her face or just slap her in the face. Obviously she fights him back and they battle. Secretly I know they love it and are just playing, but it is really funny to just watch him go BAM got you and run away! I've said "stop punching the kitty" enough times now that Atlas actually knows what it means...

Here he is punching her.

Our cat, Natasha, got sick of Atlas punching her in her sleep so she plotted revenge. He was asleep behind the couch and I was getting up to get a glass of water. I saw her slink off the ping pong table and approach Atlas. I knew this was going to be worth seeing so I just stood there. She pounced on Atlas's back and held on for dear life as he jumped up and started running. She held on for a good 5 feet and then ran away. Atlas was clearly confused.  I about died laughing and could only yell to Will "Baaaaabe! The cat just rode Atlas like a pony!"   I seriously doubt other pet owners have said that.

One of Atlas's favorite spots to lay is with his butt on someone's chest with the danger zone facing someone's face. He is constantly wiggling his butt into position throughout the night. It's not a fun realization to try and snuggle with something you think is puppy back, but in reality is puppy butt. I cannot even tell you how much times we've said "does your butt really have to go there?"

i know the dead squirrel smells amazing but let's not eat that. DONT EAT THAT
All 3 of us were out on a walk recently and came across a very flat and rigid and very dead squirrel. Naturally Atlas wanted to sniff, lick, roll on, etc the squirrel. I panicked and just yelled (in public with lots of people around "Nooooo I know the dead squirrel smells amazing, but PLEASE don't eat that. GET AWAY." Needless to say I got some funny looks from the people around me and a very grumpy look from my dog who obviously thought I was a monster for not letting him roll all around in essence of dead squirrel.

Sadly, Atlas is becoming a man. He has a squeaky toy that is literally the same size he is. He loves throwing it around and chasing it. Obviously their relationship took a more serious turn as I was working out the other day. I turned around to see what he was doing and to my horror he was humping his moose. He had never humped something before so I just stood there in a panicked shock. I can't tell him no since it's natural. He was GOING AT IT. He humped it so hard he was scooting himself around the floor. I immediately called my boyfriend in a state of panic and woe. All I could think to say was "Our puppy is a moose molester!!!"


"A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than he loves himself" --Josh Billings